Give a Little to Yourself this Holiday

Getting close to closing out 2013, the holiday season is in full swing. With the busyness and hustle of over-thinking gift ideas, pushing your way through the store lines to get the best deals, and dirtying up the kitchen preparing holiday goodies, I am here to remind you to remember to take a moment to think about yourself this New Year as well.
12 months have passed since last December, it is time to do an overview of your 2013. What major events happened? What did you change within you? How did you help other people? What risks did you finally take steps towards doing? I know these are questions many of us never think to ponder over, but the holiday season is truly about giving extra time to devout to the love you have for those close to you. And with each year there should be some progress within ourselves, at least that is my opinion. But who are we as human beings if we don't continue to improve as people? I feel that if we don't take certain risks, including giving pieces of ourselves that we have built walls around, we are allowing ourselves to be somewhat dead to the world we walk upon.
I challenge myself during this time of year to go back through my blog posts, journal pages, Facebook posts, Twitter feed and whatever else I have posted on throughout the year, to see where I started and what I did throughout the year. Doing this, one would be surprised all the things they had forgotten. There are certain feelings that we felt strongly, and in a week's time those deep human emotions can be blurred. And I believe it is in those emotional times that we find out what are souls, minds and hearts are really made of.
A recap of my year..got on at a steady, great paying job in a field I never thought I would be a part in, law enforcement. Experienced two close deaths of both my grandfathers in the same year. I learned more about what to look for and what is important when it comes to apartment shopping, so you don't have to live 6 months in a ghetto (LOL). I experienced heartbreak, yet again. I removed quite a few negative people from my life, and it is brighter everyday not having the extra baggage. I continue to teach myself the importance of putting myself first, as well as the opposite of giving yourself to others and starting ever so famous chain reactions. I also developed some doubt about what I want to do and where I want to go with my future. Being 21 I know that it's a young age to stress, but being the overthinker I am it is a continuous bad habit, lol. Trying to live in the moment is essentially easier said than done, for 24 hours in a day and 365 days in a year is honestly not a lot. The future will be here before I know it. But we also have to realize when the future is here, the past is exactly that, the past, and we can't go back if regret all those times that we took for granted and didn't cherish. Back to the plus side, I have oddly grown closer to my family, even though I am not able to go home as often as I like. I think after 18 years of nothing but stick living, being able to spread my wings and live a little has helped me immensely in many aspects of my life. But I have to say, the big thing of my 2013 that sticks out is I believe to have found the person I have been looking for for ages. It goes much deeper than my life alone. I think my soul has been searching for the southeast Kansas soul that I found through the ridiculous source of the interwebs. What I thought to be another lost cause turned out to be something so unrealistically realistic that it is hard to wrap my mind around it some days. I know it is crazy, but in a short six months this woman has changed me in ways that I don't think anyone else in the world could. And the incredible thing is, I have changed her too.
She is actually what inspired me to write this post (along with many more obviously lol.). Being new to the whole gay lifestyle, anyone familiar with it also knows that the hardest people it is to come out to is our family, those that have known us literally forever. And today she finally came out to her uncle, the parent figure that stepped into the shoes as the role of her mother and father. She has changed into a more than already incredible human being, and the way I feel about her and the way she makes me feel daily is very indescribable. Honestly, I really hope to one day be able to find the words for these feelings, these butterflies. But for now I will live in the moment :)
That is my year wrapped in a nutshell, what is yours? Honestly, take that extra moment for yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for surviving another year. And make a mental list of things that you would like to improve on.
I know it is difficult to be honest with oneself in a world of greedy, selfish individuals. But you just gotta remember you aren't them, and you can't control the minds of those people. You got to do YOU. And during the holiday season we, especially as Americans, get lost in all the hustle and bustle of gift giving and receiving that we forget what is truly important, the simply four letter word of L-O-V-E. Even if it's just a moment, a moment is way more than no time at all. Trust me, it will be beneficial, and will be the stepping stones of changing your life!

The Heart of Knowing When..

There are many questions that we ask ourselves about the future we have ahead. Are we on the right path to happiness? Are we where we want to be? Are we unhappy with where we are at? What can we do to change this negative view we have when we wake up each and every day?
I believe there is no ONE answer to any of these questions, there are many different aspects of what could be right, wrong and other possible considerations of why we are where we are. It's a vast and impossible task to wonder into ALL the shoes of those we see everyday and also the other strange faces we run into. Unless you become famous in the world you may not have the opportunity to touch the lives of all those that need help in the subject matter of positive thinking. But honestly one person at a time is enough, enough to make quite the difference. Because, with that being said, you will have changed more than one person. That person will hopefully feel obliged to help another, and that person they lend a hand to you can hope will be inspired to do the same. I have talked about the power of a "chain reaction" multiple times throughout my blog. And I will hold true to my beliefs that the start of a chain reaction is fool-proof.
It is not often enough that we sit down and think about where we are now, where we were just a year ago and what we have yet to become. The future is a sea of endless possibilities. You just have to take the first steps towards the path that you feel is the right one for you. The trouble with that is, our thoughts, goals and dreams tend to change with the meeting of new people. With the handing of new opportunities. So, which one IS the right path?
To be quite honest, I don't think there is a "right" trail to pummel. And the people we meet and keep in our lives help pave the way to where we are going and who we become as well.
I can say, my path is starting to change. In the last 6 months my goals have changed rapidly. Since I have met my amazing girlfriend, I hope to someday find a job and move out of my home state of Kansas, to broaden my horizons and spread my wings with the one that I believe is THE ONE for me. You never know when the day will come when you have to start changing your life goals.  When that one person comes along and pushes you to explore new boundaries you didn't think existed in yourself. I myself am very excited on how my future looks. I don't know when the time will be when I can wake up to the more than lovely face of the one I love, to be able to go to a good paying job with a good attitude because I am doing what I love. As I continue to attempt to make the world a better place through the simple actions to start that all but famous chain reaction.
I am ready to change everything for where I want to be. And I have great people in my life to help me do so, but also some that hinder but challenge me more than ever to do what I have in mind for my future. The heart of knowing when will come to you naturally, at least that is what I believe. :)

Like I Woke Up From A Dream...

That's still how I feel, a little over a day since I left Independence city limits. The last 5 days that made up my southeast Kansas trip were, I have to say from the heart, some of the best in my life so far. So yes, that means my trip was a complete success plus some, and I am officially an owned woman ;) Owned by one that I felt so compatible, comfortable and content with.

The small moments that I kept over-analyzing for months before we made the trip date were some of the most memorable and cherished. That moment when I finally got to hug her. That moment when I finally got to look into her beautiful hazel eyes, push her hair back and kiss her. That moment when I woke up feeling her body next to mine? I have never felt more at home than with her. It was a feeling I never thought I deserved to feel. And a day after leaving I am already yearning for it again.

With this voided, empty feeling in my heart and slightly in my mind as well, I am more than determined now to try to search and find the path that will lead us closer together someday down the road. I know now more than ever that I want to be there beside her as we conquer life's biggest quests. I believe she is the one. She is not my first but I have the strongest feeling she will be my last, and that is indeed a great feeling, inside and out. All I gotta do now is get over the pain of driving away from her and back to western Kansas, which is where I know I won't be spending the rest of my life. It is time, time for a new chapter. But I just got to keep the mindset that this chapter isn't over yet. Without this one, the next chapter wouldn't be as great as it is meant to be.

On that note, I am so happy to officially be in a relationship with a girl that completes me, makes me laugh, smile, and want to be the best I can be for myself, her, and this world we are both in. No matter how far, when we aren't together, and when our words are not quite enough, I have the stars to bind us. And that, that can never be taken away. I love you Jordyn <3

Butterflies Galore

T minus 6 hours until I start my trip to Southeast Kansas, the trip I have been looking forward to and waiting for since I started talking to the person that has made my heart skip pretty much since day 1. It's been 6 months yesterday that we have been talking. Thank goodness for technology. Through the countless phone calls and endless text messages and skype dates, I have fallen for this wonderful, caring, selfless, understanding and beautiful woman. 

I used to judge so hard about those that fell for those they met literally through their computer screens, stuffing their faces with junk food and sitting in their pj's. And I think back to that one day this one girl in particular caught my eye, and I decided out of a whim to message her, not thinking that I would get a response back. And look where we are now...shit. Time flies. How is it humanly possible to yearn for and miss someone you have never hugged? Never held hands with? Never sat beside? I really do not have the answer to those questions, at least not right now. But I damn well know I'm ready to be able to talk to her face to face, to see those until tomorrow imagined facial expressions. To hold her hand, to embrace her in a kiss. I have never fell for someone quite like this before. The fact that we are so perfectly imperfect gets to me everyday, through every message I receive from her. 

I am not one to look far into the future, because that leads to high expectations. And this is life. And you can dream but to turn those dreams into reality you have to set reasonable goals to achieve those dreams. And I hope to have her by my side down the road, as we help one another find where we are meant to be in our lives. And I really, honestly, undoubtedly hope that we are there, together. 

With her being a couple years younger she has a little more baggage that she hasn't gone through yet, I believe I came into her life for this purpose. We understand one another in ways that are unexplainable in words, yet, to us, we know exactly how we feel about one another. 

Through this 5 day weekend trip to Independence, I hope to establish yet another piece of the foundation known as our relationship. And to keep moving forward, as we take these baby steps together. I just know that I haven't wanted anything to work out this badly in...well, in my entire life. It all feels SO right. And years from now I hope to wake up to her and spend everyday with her. Someday :) We can't rush this <3  

Here it Goes Here it Goes Again

Here I am again, this is going to be another ranting post about the nonsense that ALWAYS seems to take it's course when my expectations are high. Found out last night that my Ppa had fell and was majorly injured and is now in a comatose that none of us know or really believe that he is going to come out of. This was the week I've been looking forward to since June, finally being able to meet the girl of my dreams. I told myself that there was going to be nothing standing in my way, just the day before. And then this had to happen. Selfish thinking, I know right? 

But when do you or should you start to view life as a bunch of endless, hopeless obstacles? When everything you look forward to never EVER goes not even a little as planned. When can you start to give up? Or do we as humans have no other choice than to keep pushing forward? 21 years of this. I know life itself usually doesn't work out like we picture it and want it to be. But just a simple trip? The ONE trip of a lifetime that I have been waiting my whole life to take? It is very depressing. But I am trying not to let my circumstances stop me. I guess it probably won't be this month, but how can you plan and expect the best again when it has been ruined once, like everything in your life beforehand? I guess I have no choice but to stay on this roller coaster called daily life. Or it should be called Life of Disappointment. It's so hard not to look forward to something you want more than anything else in the world. 

With that said, so far about everything else is okay, hanging in the balance at least. I just know that I need HER. I just want to hold her, to look into her eyes and forget about the entire world and all the trouble it is in. Because with her, I know I can conquer a whole hell of a lot. And with her, I know I will not give up. Because she gives me reasons everyday to fight for her. For me. For us. For the life I have wanted to give up on countless times. I am just tired of being here, without her. How can you possibly miss someone who you have never met in the flesh? Damn. Love does crazy things to the mind, the heart, the soul. Your whole being. 

Hopefully my next post will bring more positive news, for now, I will have to take this curveball on this ride and take it in stride. 

Are Words Simply Enough?

As like many other nights, my overthinking switch is a bit jammed and I'm in the difficult process of shutting it off lol. This posts subject- long distance relationships.
How can you fall in love with someone you have met, touched or embraced in the flesh? Impossible, right? Quite the contrary. I used to be one of these skeptical people as well. Like meeting someone online and it actually working out? Pssshhh please. But now I have turned into one of these suckers. I am now head over heels, now what do I have to say for myself?

It will be 6 months November 6th that I have been talking to this amazing woman that is now a part of my everyday life. It is truly mind blowing how one simply "hello, how are you?" message on a website full of thousands of others trying to search for companionship can turn into where we are now. My heart literally HURTS, in a good way of course, with how deep my feelings run for this person. A person I text everyday, call frequently, and have Skyped with once. How the HELL does this happen? Are words enough for us silly humans to fall so deeply for another being? Perhaps. But a lot of long distance is trusting. Trusting they are doing, bettering themselves, and making strides for you when you can't, in reality, see them doing so. Its amazing how so many words of encouragement, passion and some criticism out of caring can do to you. My heart and mind is mush. For those that have never been in a long distance type of relationship, it is not easy. Once you develop feelings, all you tend to think about is the future, and WHEN it will be your time to get to see the person that has taken your thoughts. It sucks when you have to watch those around you with their significant other, who get to see one another everyday. And all you wanna do is show your lover off to those around you. Your mind gets overloaded with all the thoughts of what the future could be. But it is so blurry. Because depending on how far away this person is, you are in doubt that it will even work out in the long run. But, love has a funny way of making people do the impossible. Of making them determined to achieve such a thing in their lives. To have, for once, something work out for them that they want ever so deeply. That is the place I am in. It is a good, bad, wonderful, overpowering feeling. Is that what long distance love is supposed to feel like?

November 7th. This is the day I will be traveling across the state to finally see her face. To feel what her embracing hug feels like. To kiss the face of the woman that has made me turn to literal mush. To lay next to the being that makes me smile everyday. To talk in person all night to the one I have given already so much of myself to. To maybe start planning our future. See where we want to go. To make "us" official. I have been impatiently waiting for this day. And it is 17 days away. I am nervous as hell, won't deny you lol. But I am ready. I am ready to make all my invisions of how our first time meeting would be into a reality. I am in love. And I hope, and I have confidence that it will not turn to for the worst this time. My lord, lol, look what love does? Hopefully I am not too stupid ;) :P

Those Hard Moments..When the Conscience Speaks.

No matter how hard one tries, you will be times in your life that you get into predicaments that test your levels of common sense, the strength the of your heart and the limits of your conscience. We sometimes don't know what the outcome of our decisions will be in these tough situations. There is one thing for certain though. They will either bring out the best or the worst within us. There will be times we let loose and use the best policy, honesty. And there are other times that we will let things eat at our conscience instead of facing the wrath of "what might be".

 

One thing that is true, it is a choice, your choice, to either open up and be honest with those that you care about and yourself. Or to hide and deal with it on your own. The word 'predicament' is a funny word in itself, for there are just those situations that it is way better left unsaid and left undisturbed. The thing is, what IS the right thing to do? If only there was a manual of each and every situation you were ever to get involved in. But what would be the point of life? You wouldn't learn and grow from those tough, stuck between a rock and hard place moments. You truly get to learn and see who you are and who you are yet to be through all the bullshit you may get yourself into. And even though there are always going to be certain people that judge you harshly for the mistakes you made, you somewhat know what is the right and wrong thing to do during the aftermath of whatever poor or somewhat confusing decision you may've made.

 

Realistically, one should always expect the unexpected. You can never predict any aspect of predicaments you will get into. In a way, there are many a time that there's no way to dodge the bullet of fate. With each situation comes new ideas of how the world really works. And, for some, it's a harsh reality and there are bad consequences that come with some choices.

 

The best thing about making bad choices or getting yourself into situations that have multiple solutions, you are not alone. We all go through tough life lessons. And what's even more beautiful about it? We can actually learn from one another's mistakes. Or, if we have a phase of dumbness come upon us, there are many out there that can relate because of their similar life experiences.

 

So, it may take an ounce of courage and a willing to lose a little bit of your pride to speak up, and own up to your mistakes. 9 times out of 10, you are going to gain more respect from those around you anyways for being truly human enough to own up to what you've done. For some, it takes literally years to tell the complete, honest truth. If you are the person receiving this information months of years later, don't be hateful. Try to be the listening ear that that person has been waiting so long for. They may never show it, but they will be internally grateful for your time. For you, you were the advocate to get that boulder off their shoulders that they were struggling to hold up.

 

So in conclusion, we are all human. None of us are perfect. Life can suck ass, and ya gotta learn what is the right and wrong thing to do, in every situation. Some things take more time and consideration than others. Just remember, whatever you did, no matter how bad, YOU are the one living with the consequences. Stick to your gut, and LISTEN to your heart and conscience. They, in funny ways, have a way of getting us through those rough patches in the path we are leading, and back on track. And the awesome part, through these experiences, we continue to learn more about ourselves. And we will continue to get to know those that share our lives better as well. Without these hard to live through experiences, we wouldn't know who to trust and count on. And THAT, that's what truly matters.