It is 1 AM and here I am, tired but wanting to just write some random ass things out. A LOT has happened within the last month, good and bad. Death, mending recently broken friendships, accepting, being accepted, heart to hearts I thought I would never have, getting to know people on even deeper levels, getting to know the ones I love even more than I ever have, trying to make right decisions for myself.
I FINALLY told my mom about me and my sexuality. No one understands that after more than a decade of curiosity and trying to accept myself just HOW much courage it took to finally tell her. I wish it would've been in person instead of over the phone, but then again I wouldn't change our convo :) It was honestly the closest convo I have ever had with my mother, which our relationship isn't THAT close to begin with. I know she is there for me, but to tell her something so personal was like lifting a huge boulder that had been gaining weight for years off my shoulders. Have I told her everything? Pfft no. Probably never will. By far those were the worst butterflies I have ever had. Will never quite forget that feeling...
This month I finally got over the biggest crush I have ever had on another individual, and I am on a great track to fixing the friendships that were shaken over the whole ordeal. My best friend and I's relationship is beginning to become stronger than ever, and I am happy that she is in a relationship with a girl that I hope will treat her that way she deserves :) It's a great feeling, knowing the drama can be uplifted. She has no idea how happy I am for her, and I know she is still wary of what to tell me. I will let her figure it out on her own that I am happily over everything ;) It's all a work in progress, and I am starting to accept that everything in life is...
A hard subject, death. Notice how depressing and death both start with D? Yeah... :( In the last couple months I've had three friends pass away. Two fairly close ones. How have I coped? I haven't totally to be very honest. I haven't had time, that is totally my excuse! And it's the truth. I mean, your teenage/early twenties are supposed to be kinda insane, but jeesh! o_O I just try to live each day knowing they are up in Heaven somewhere watching all of the ones they loved and cared about. I wish I could've done more to help the one who took his life too soon. And accidents happen for a reason, even at inconvenient times. I am not a very religious person by any means, but I believe God had a special purpose for Zayden, and his mission was over on Earth. Corey? I wish you could've seen the path that you had laid out for you. A musical talent unlike any other, and an attitude worth envying over. You let people's opinions get a hold of you, and I am sorry you passed that way. I <3 you both, you will be forever in my heart. (And this sounds sappy Corey, but in your memory I am going to try to play a part in TWLOHA. That's the very least you deserve for your kind hearted spirit we all had the greatness of sharing while you were with us) I will keep all the good memories in my head to remember, as I try to filter out the bad.
My grandfather has been ill as well, but I got to see another side of death, an outside look on family mourning. It's hard seeing this side, as you see an entire family, my best friends family, who I've grown to love, united by this one person in pain mourning. That hospital visit was one of the hardest, seeing her little sisters, seeing her mom and step dad, sad as I have ever seen them. Their grandpa just passed this last week. Granted I didn't know him well, but he was there every time I came with her to visit their family. I could see and I know he had a grand affect on his grandchildren. He was one of the most kind spirited people I have ever met, a very gentle man. I wish him the best in Heaven, where he will no longer be in pain and can watch over everyone at once :)
A work in progress is myself. I am starting to work on a better side of me, a positive, more verbal, side of me that has always been there but needs loving and tender care. Am I afraid? Yes, to get hurt. But I am going to try to bury the past, to only use it as an example, and not let it affect the opportunities I might have in my future.
I am scared for 6 months from now, when the trees go back to full bloom and summer time is once upon us. School and college life have taken up the last 16 years of my life, and yet I STILL do not know what I want to do with my life. I am lost in this, and honestly it's depressing. I hope opportunities that rise will lead me in the right direction, one can only hope right? I just hope I can stay in contact with all the amazing people I have met and who have affected my life in such ways that they will never know.
By next week something else major in my life could happen, am I prepared? Probably not. Even though the last year has been pretty crazy, I wouldn't wanna take any of it back, even the really bad parts. A wise friend recently told me, "you have to have bad to respect the good that comes in. You have to deal with the darkness to create, see and live the light." Now THATS advice that I am gonna try to use in my everyday life. Some days will be better than others, but it's what you make of every situation that matters. You never know when things could change, so I have been trying not to plan so far ahead ;) Thanks October! November, don't be so harsh on me, thanks :) But then again, deeply and truly, thank you.
