Give a Little to Yourself this Holiday

Getting close to closing out 2013, the holiday season is in full swing. With the busyness and hustle of over-thinking gift ideas, pushing your way through the store lines to get the best deals, and dirtying up the kitchen preparing holiday goodies, I am here to remind you to remember to take a moment to think about yourself this New Year as well.
12 months have passed since last December, it is time to do an overview of your 2013. What major events happened? What did you change within you? How did you help other people? What risks did you finally take steps towards doing? I know these are questions many of us never think to ponder over, but the holiday season is truly about giving extra time to devout to the love you have for those close to you. And with each year there should be some progress within ourselves, at least that is my opinion. But who are we as human beings if we don't continue to improve as people? I feel that if we don't take certain risks, including giving pieces of ourselves that we have built walls around, we are allowing ourselves to be somewhat dead to the world we walk upon.
I challenge myself during this time of year to go back through my blog posts, journal pages, Facebook posts, Twitter feed and whatever else I have posted on throughout the year, to see where I started and what I did throughout the year. Doing this, one would be surprised all the things they had forgotten. There are certain feelings that we felt strongly, and in a week's time those deep human emotions can be blurred. And I believe it is in those emotional times that we find out what are souls, minds and hearts are really made of.
A recap of my year..got on at a steady, great paying job in a field I never thought I would be a part in, law enforcement. Experienced two close deaths of both my grandfathers in the same year. I learned more about what to look for and what is important when it comes to apartment shopping, so you don't have to live 6 months in a ghetto (LOL). I experienced heartbreak, yet again. I removed quite a few negative people from my life, and it is brighter everyday not having the extra baggage. I continue to teach myself the importance of putting myself first, as well as the opposite of giving yourself to others and starting ever so famous chain reactions. I also developed some doubt about what I want to do and where I want to go with my future. Being 21 I know that it's a young age to stress, but being the overthinker I am it is a continuous bad habit, lol. Trying to live in the moment is essentially easier said than done, for 24 hours in a day and 365 days in a year is honestly not a lot. The future will be here before I know it. But we also have to realize when the future is here, the past is exactly that, the past, and we can't go back if regret all those times that we took for granted and didn't cherish. Back to the plus side, I have oddly grown closer to my family, even though I am not able to go home as often as I like. I think after 18 years of nothing but stick living, being able to spread my wings and live a little has helped me immensely in many aspects of my life. But I have to say, the big thing of my 2013 that sticks out is I believe to have found the person I have been looking for for ages. It goes much deeper than my life alone. I think my soul has been searching for the southeast Kansas soul that I found through the ridiculous source of the interwebs. What I thought to be another lost cause turned out to be something so unrealistically realistic that it is hard to wrap my mind around it some days. I know it is crazy, but in a short six months this woman has changed me in ways that I don't think anyone else in the world could. And the incredible thing is, I have changed her too.
She is actually what inspired me to write this post (along with many more obviously lol.). Being new to the whole gay lifestyle, anyone familiar with it also knows that the hardest people it is to come out to is our family, those that have known us literally forever. And today she finally came out to her uncle, the parent figure that stepped into the shoes as the role of her mother and father. She has changed into a more than already incredible human being, and the way I feel about her and the way she makes me feel daily is very indescribable. Honestly, I really hope to one day be able to find the words for these feelings, these butterflies. But for now I will live in the moment :)
That is my year wrapped in a nutshell, what is yours? Honestly, take that extra moment for yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for surviving another year. And make a mental list of things that you would like to improve on.
I know it is difficult to be honest with oneself in a world of greedy, selfish individuals. But you just gotta remember you aren't them, and you can't control the minds of those people. You got to do YOU. And during the holiday season we, especially as Americans, get lost in all the hustle and bustle of gift giving and receiving that we forget what is truly important, the simply four letter word of L-O-V-E. Even if it's just a moment, a moment is way more than no time at all. Trust me, it will be beneficial, and will be the stepping stones of changing your life!

The Heart of Knowing When..

There are many questions that we ask ourselves about the future we have ahead. Are we on the right path to happiness? Are we where we want to be? Are we unhappy with where we are at? What can we do to change this negative view we have when we wake up each and every day?
I believe there is no ONE answer to any of these questions, there are many different aspects of what could be right, wrong and other possible considerations of why we are where we are. It's a vast and impossible task to wonder into ALL the shoes of those we see everyday and also the other strange faces we run into. Unless you become famous in the world you may not have the opportunity to touch the lives of all those that need help in the subject matter of positive thinking. But honestly one person at a time is enough, enough to make quite the difference. Because, with that being said, you will have changed more than one person. That person will hopefully feel obliged to help another, and that person they lend a hand to you can hope will be inspired to do the same. I have talked about the power of a "chain reaction" multiple times throughout my blog. And I will hold true to my beliefs that the start of a chain reaction is fool-proof.
It is not often enough that we sit down and think about where we are now, where we were just a year ago and what we have yet to become. The future is a sea of endless possibilities. You just have to take the first steps towards the path that you feel is the right one for you. The trouble with that is, our thoughts, goals and dreams tend to change with the meeting of new people. With the handing of new opportunities. So, which one IS the right path?
To be quite honest, I don't think there is a "right" trail to pummel. And the people we meet and keep in our lives help pave the way to where we are going and who we become as well.
I can say, my path is starting to change. In the last 6 months my goals have changed rapidly. Since I have met my amazing girlfriend, I hope to someday find a job and move out of my home state of Kansas, to broaden my horizons and spread my wings with the one that I believe is THE ONE for me. You never know when the day will come when you have to start changing your life goals.  When that one person comes along and pushes you to explore new boundaries you didn't think existed in yourself. I myself am very excited on how my future looks. I don't know when the time will be when I can wake up to the more than lovely face of the one I love, to be able to go to a good paying job with a good attitude because I am doing what I love. As I continue to attempt to make the world a better place through the simple actions to start that all but famous chain reaction.
I am ready to change everything for where I want to be. And I have great people in my life to help me do so, but also some that hinder but challenge me more than ever to do what I have in mind for my future. The heart of knowing when will come to you naturally, at least that is what I believe. :)

Like I Woke Up From A Dream...

That's still how I feel, a little over a day since I left Independence city limits. The last 5 days that made up my southeast Kansas trip were, I have to say from the heart, some of the best in my life so far. So yes, that means my trip was a complete success plus some, and I am officially an owned woman ;) Owned by one that I felt so compatible, comfortable and content with.

The small moments that I kept over-analyzing for months before we made the trip date were some of the most memorable and cherished. That moment when I finally got to hug her. That moment when I finally got to look into her beautiful hazel eyes, push her hair back and kiss her. That moment when I woke up feeling her body next to mine? I have never felt more at home than with her. It was a feeling I never thought I deserved to feel. And a day after leaving I am already yearning for it again.

With this voided, empty feeling in my heart and slightly in my mind as well, I am more than determined now to try to search and find the path that will lead us closer together someday down the road. I know now more than ever that I want to be there beside her as we conquer life's biggest quests. I believe she is the one. She is not my first but I have the strongest feeling she will be my last, and that is indeed a great feeling, inside and out. All I gotta do now is get over the pain of driving away from her and back to western Kansas, which is where I know I won't be spending the rest of my life. It is time, time for a new chapter. But I just got to keep the mindset that this chapter isn't over yet. Without this one, the next chapter wouldn't be as great as it is meant to be.

On that note, I am so happy to officially be in a relationship with a girl that completes me, makes me laugh, smile, and want to be the best I can be for myself, her, and this world we are both in. No matter how far, when we aren't together, and when our words are not quite enough, I have the stars to bind us. And that, that can never be taken away. I love you Jordyn <3

Butterflies Galore

T minus 6 hours until I start my trip to Southeast Kansas, the trip I have been looking forward to and waiting for since I started talking to the person that has made my heart skip pretty much since day 1. It's been 6 months yesterday that we have been talking. Thank goodness for technology. Through the countless phone calls and endless text messages and skype dates, I have fallen for this wonderful, caring, selfless, understanding and beautiful woman. 

I used to judge so hard about those that fell for those they met literally through their computer screens, stuffing their faces with junk food and sitting in their pj's. And I think back to that one day this one girl in particular caught my eye, and I decided out of a whim to message her, not thinking that I would get a response back. And look where we are now...shit. Time flies. How is it humanly possible to yearn for and miss someone you have never hugged? Never held hands with? Never sat beside? I really do not have the answer to those questions, at least not right now. But I damn well know I'm ready to be able to talk to her face to face, to see those until tomorrow imagined facial expressions. To hold her hand, to embrace her in a kiss. I have never fell for someone quite like this before. The fact that we are so perfectly imperfect gets to me everyday, through every message I receive from her. 

I am not one to look far into the future, because that leads to high expectations. And this is life. And you can dream but to turn those dreams into reality you have to set reasonable goals to achieve those dreams. And I hope to have her by my side down the road, as we help one another find where we are meant to be in our lives. And I really, honestly, undoubtedly hope that we are there, together. 

With her being a couple years younger she has a little more baggage that she hasn't gone through yet, I believe I came into her life for this purpose. We understand one another in ways that are unexplainable in words, yet, to us, we know exactly how we feel about one another. 

Through this 5 day weekend trip to Independence, I hope to establish yet another piece of the foundation known as our relationship. And to keep moving forward, as we take these baby steps together. I just know that I haven't wanted anything to work out this badly in...well, in my entire life. It all feels SO right. And years from now I hope to wake up to her and spend everyday with her. Someday :) We can't rush this <3  

Here it Goes Here it Goes Again

Here I am again, this is going to be another ranting post about the nonsense that ALWAYS seems to take it's course when my expectations are high. Found out last night that my Ppa had fell and was majorly injured and is now in a comatose that none of us know or really believe that he is going to come out of. This was the week I've been looking forward to since June, finally being able to meet the girl of my dreams. I told myself that there was going to be nothing standing in my way, just the day before. And then this had to happen. Selfish thinking, I know right? 

But when do you or should you start to view life as a bunch of endless, hopeless obstacles? When everything you look forward to never EVER goes not even a little as planned. When can you start to give up? Or do we as humans have no other choice than to keep pushing forward? 21 years of this. I know life itself usually doesn't work out like we picture it and want it to be. But just a simple trip? The ONE trip of a lifetime that I have been waiting my whole life to take? It is very depressing. But I am trying not to let my circumstances stop me. I guess it probably won't be this month, but how can you plan and expect the best again when it has been ruined once, like everything in your life beforehand? I guess I have no choice but to stay on this roller coaster called daily life. Or it should be called Life of Disappointment. It's so hard not to look forward to something you want more than anything else in the world. 

With that said, so far about everything else is okay, hanging in the balance at least. I just know that I need HER. I just want to hold her, to look into her eyes and forget about the entire world and all the trouble it is in. Because with her, I know I can conquer a whole hell of a lot. And with her, I know I will not give up. Because she gives me reasons everyday to fight for her. For me. For us. For the life I have wanted to give up on countless times. I am just tired of being here, without her. How can you possibly miss someone who you have never met in the flesh? Damn. Love does crazy things to the mind, the heart, the soul. Your whole being. 

Hopefully my next post will bring more positive news, for now, I will have to take this curveball on this ride and take it in stride. 

Are Words Simply Enough?

As like many other nights, my overthinking switch is a bit jammed and I'm in the difficult process of shutting it off lol. This posts subject- long distance relationships.
How can you fall in love with someone you have met, touched or embraced in the flesh? Impossible, right? Quite the contrary. I used to be one of these skeptical people as well. Like meeting someone online and it actually working out? Pssshhh please. But now I have turned into one of these suckers. I am now head over heels, now what do I have to say for myself?

It will be 6 months November 6th that I have been talking to this amazing woman that is now a part of my everyday life. It is truly mind blowing how one simply "hello, how are you?" message on a website full of thousands of others trying to search for companionship can turn into where we are now. My heart literally HURTS, in a good way of course, with how deep my feelings run for this person. A person I text everyday, call frequently, and have Skyped with once. How the HELL does this happen? Are words enough for us silly humans to fall so deeply for another being? Perhaps. But a lot of long distance is trusting. Trusting they are doing, bettering themselves, and making strides for you when you can't, in reality, see them doing so. Its amazing how so many words of encouragement, passion and some criticism out of caring can do to you. My heart and mind is mush. For those that have never been in a long distance type of relationship, it is not easy. Once you develop feelings, all you tend to think about is the future, and WHEN it will be your time to get to see the person that has taken your thoughts. It sucks when you have to watch those around you with their significant other, who get to see one another everyday. And all you wanna do is show your lover off to those around you. Your mind gets overloaded with all the thoughts of what the future could be. But it is so blurry. Because depending on how far away this person is, you are in doubt that it will even work out in the long run. But, love has a funny way of making people do the impossible. Of making them determined to achieve such a thing in their lives. To have, for once, something work out for them that they want ever so deeply. That is the place I am in. It is a good, bad, wonderful, overpowering feeling. Is that what long distance love is supposed to feel like?

November 7th. This is the day I will be traveling across the state to finally see her face. To feel what her embracing hug feels like. To kiss the face of the woman that has made me turn to literal mush. To lay next to the being that makes me smile everyday. To talk in person all night to the one I have given already so much of myself to. To maybe start planning our future. See where we want to go. To make "us" official. I have been impatiently waiting for this day. And it is 17 days away. I am nervous as hell, won't deny you lol. But I am ready. I am ready to make all my invisions of how our first time meeting would be into a reality. I am in love. And I hope, and I have confidence that it will not turn to for the worst this time. My lord, lol, look what love does? Hopefully I am not too stupid ;) :P

Those Hard Moments..When the Conscience Speaks.

No matter how hard one tries, you will be times in your life that you get into predicaments that test your levels of common sense, the strength the of your heart and the limits of your conscience. We sometimes don't know what the outcome of our decisions will be in these tough situations. There is one thing for certain though. They will either bring out the best or the worst within us. There will be times we let loose and use the best policy, honesty. And there are other times that we will let things eat at our conscience instead of facing the wrath of "what might be".

 

One thing that is true, it is a choice, your choice, to either open up and be honest with those that you care about and yourself. Or to hide and deal with it on your own. The word 'predicament' is a funny word in itself, for there are just those situations that it is way better left unsaid and left undisturbed. The thing is, what IS the right thing to do? If only there was a manual of each and every situation you were ever to get involved in. But what would be the point of life? You wouldn't learn and grow from those tough, stuck between a rock and hard place moments. You truly get to learn and see who you are and who you are yet to be through all the bullshit you may get yourself into. And even though there are always going to be certain people that judge you harshly for the mistakes you made, you somewhat know what is the right and wrong thing to do during the aftermath of whatever poor or somewhat confusing decision you may've made.

 

Realistically, one should always expect the unexpected. You can never predict any aspect of predicaments you will get into. In a way, there are many a time that there's no way to dodge the bullet of fate. With each situation comes new ideas of how the world really works. And, for some, it's a harsh reality and there are bad consequences that come with some choices.

 

The best thing about making bad choices or getting yourself into situations that have multiple solutions, you are not alone. We all go through tough life lessons. And what's even more beautiful about it? We can actually learn from one another's mistakes. Or, if we have a phase of dumbness come upon us, there are many out there that can relate because of their similar life experiences.

 

So, it may take an ounce of courage and a willing to lose a little bit of your pride to speak up, and own up to your mistakes. 9 times out of 10, you are going to gain more respect from those around you anyways for being truly human enough to own up to what you've done. For some, it takes literally years to tell the complete, honest truth. If you are the person receiving this information months of years later, don't be hateful. Try to be the listening ear that that person has been waiting so long for. They may never show it, but they will be internally grateful for your time. For you, you were the advocate to get that boulder off their shoulders that they were struggling to hold up.

 

So in conclusion, we are all human. None of us are perfect. Life can suck ass, and ya gotta learn what is the right and wrong thing to do, in every situation. Some things take more time and consideration than others. Just remember, whatever you did, no matter how bad, YOU are the one living with the consequences. Stick to your gut, and LISTEN to your heart and conscience. They, in funny ways, have a way of getting us through those rough patches in the path we are leading, and back on track. And the awesome part, through these experiences, we continue to learn more about ourselves. And we will continue to get to know those that share our lives better as well. Without these hard to live through experiences, we wouldn't know who to trust and count on. And THAT, that's what truly matters.

An Urge of Inspiration

I honestly don't know what has gotten into me the last month or so. But some sort of calling has been speaking to me. And this may sound cliche', but I have an urge to start making my mark upon the world. The thing is, I'm dealing with a creativity block, and the light bulb lighting the pathway to what I am supposed to do is a flickering one, not yet totally lit. I have had so many ideas, from YouTube videos, to community service, to donations and to even going to the college or high school board to create a new group in the city of Colby. Something just doesn't seem right with really ANY of these options. For some reason my crazy mind says to be original. And the wheels in my head have been turning non-stop on how to do just that-making my own, individual, creative and one-of-a-kind step that stands out among the millions of others who already made their place and inspired others.

Perhaps I need to stop doubting the ideas that I think won't work and start putting some of them into play, who knows. I just know that since it's calling to me so strongly I need to act upon this feeling. And it may be that I haven't met all the people that I know can help me achieve this either. Perhaps the calling is now but the action is supposed to take place later down the road. Like I've said before PATIENCE IS KEY, and that is what I am going to do, along with brain storming ideas until the right time comes along for me to instill them.

 

Human action from the heart is a funny thing in itself. Having a drive to do something about all the problems in the world is something that takes a strong willed individual to accomplish. And from everything that I have experienced and seen as a young adult so far in my life, I think I am ready to take those very tiny baby steps that will one day lead to something bigger for not just me, but those in my life as well.

Maybe part of this urge is the new feelings I've gotten the blessed chance to feel again, which is the blooming of deep feelings for another that I hope don't end up drowning me. This person has not only inspired me further but brought out another part of me as well, almost lit a type of fire, if that makes sense? An unexplainable fire that I want to successfully fulfill. To find this woman from literally the air and become so inspired from her experiences and hardships, I have found a new urge to want to help others such as my past self, who went through torment from others, to the gay side of who I am.

 

My goal is to make a difference in some way. And perhaps I need to think more simply and not so elaborately. For, the smallest gestures of kindness, the tiniest of steps towards a better tomorrow, are those that seem to have the biggest impact on the world. My mind is still turning with ideas, hopefully I will start to create a path, and I don't care if it is or if it's not the right one. For, any path that life leads me, I will continue to meet new people that can carry me farther. And I will keep experiencing things that will one day help me truly make that step that I hope many will get to see and experience along with me :)

Proud Member of the Rainbow Team

Today, I simply wore a rainbow colored shirt into an eating establishment. And I was picked out by the cashier and discriminated when I verbalized I did indeed support the gay community, seeing as I am one myself. When are people going to realize gays are everywhere? There are so many that haven't come out yet. And why? Because of situations like these. Some people take these encounters a lot harder than others. Made me laugh, but for others it inhibits them to even want to go out in public.

Just like the African Americans fought for their freedom and women fought for their rights to be equal as men, the homosexual community WILL have their day. And I am more determined now than ever to help with this movement.

The fact of the matter is, people are close minded, especially the older population. They won't budge from their set ways to accept those that have been in hiding for so long. Good news? It IS being more accepted. That's why there are so many coming out of the woodwork.

We are all different. None of us are the same besides we are all human. We all have our own experiences, views, beliefs, lives and way we deal with what life throws at us.

Gays, lesbians, bisexuals, asexuals and transgenders are ALL human too. We are not alien just because we like the same sex, don't have the need for sex or want to stand out from the crowd, express ourselves and dress differently.

Some say "The Bible, the Bible! What about God's view? He looks down upon it.." Well what the hell? Pardon my language. But that book was written, what? Like thousands of years ago, literally. Things change people. This is the 21st century. And the part where 'God loves all this children?' Uhm..did ya forget that tidbit? So with that subject, God LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN. I think he would frown down upon his children putting the ones that the society thinks are a little different. LOVE IS LOVE. Why can't we all just love one another? We are all living this tough ass life. Why can't we walk out of our own doors, knowing we will get smiles instead of odd looks. Why can't children go to school without being bullied because they admitted to their best friend their feelings for them? Why can't we show our love freely?

The world can be a more accepting place if those that are a little more close minded see the world for how it is. Those people just can't accept the fact that they can't wrap their heads are the differences that truly make us human beings.

Just to let you know, I have a meeting with the manager, who I found out WAS the one who harassed me. I am a player for the other side, and as a member of a team does, I am ALWAYS going to go out with a fight when it comes to my teammates. I hope to live to see the day when gay marriage and equality is more widely accepted, and those that are ignorant will be in the minority. Peace out.

Outta All the Fish in the Sea

There are literally tens of thousands of people that make up the world. That help make the world go round. That we depend on. That get us into trouble. That teach us new things. That live through the experiences that make us who we are. There is no way you will meet everybody, it is just not physically possible. But those that do happen to come into your life, for whatever reason, are meant to be there somehow. At least that is what I believe.

Living in the 21st century, there are SO many more options available to us to meet people that we otherwise may have never met just on our own. The internet is the most popular. Even I have met some awesome, creepy, kind, and ungrateful people online. As you can imagine I didn't talk to some for very long..lol.

But just recently I happened to come across a girl that was too from Kansas, just on the other side of the state. I messaged her without a second thought, and I had no idea that in the next few days I would become totally intrigued by her and her story.

Usually, people online don't tell you much about their lives, all they want is to get to know you and where you live to be able to have sexual relations. And I'm sorry kids, but this ginger doesn't play that way. So when I starting talking to her, I immediately knew this particular situation was going to be different, and decided eh, why not? Let's take the leap of faith and see what happens.

Now, granted we haven't been talking long, perhaps a week now. I have lost track. I just know the days we talk go by a little quicker. We have talked about the most random things, but finding someone that has the past she does and is willing to let her being out to a total stranger to her? Bravery. To tell someone she has never met her feelings? It's so nice to see someone else willing to take a leap of faith into something virtually unknown to her.

The reason I am writing is because is it possible to gain so much respect from someone you have talked to for such a short time and who you have never met? I am honestly starting to think this is very possible. To find one person in a sea of harsh, untrusting and unforgiving beings, it has to be a small sign of some sort or another.

Another way she has captured my attention? Besides the fact we are a lot alike in many aspects, she has brought me to think about my past a bit, even all that has happened this past year alone. I have come a LONG way from where I was last summer. If only I could go back and tell the Ruby I knew then that things are gonna get rough, but to be patient and they are gonna get better, I would. To see that girl who was lost. Angry. Upset. And unhopeful. And to tell her to go by her most motivational motta, KEEP MOVING FORWARD. I would.

This girl has somehow brought me to accept some of the things in my past and to smile as I keep on moving forward, taking each day step by step. That, that is a blessing. I don't know if this texting will turn in phone calls, and phone calls will turn into visits. If it does, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Everything happens for a reason, but we got to be patient in the journey to find out what those reasons are, whether we accept them or not.

We haven't ran out of things to talk about yet, and that is rare for me as well. I hope we continue to talk. And that I am not a creepy lesbian, typing all this about a girl I have only texted for a week lol. Because this is unlike me! But what she brings out in me? Different. And I gotta go along with what happens that is not the humdrum of everyday life.

I will try to keep you updated, but by my posts I am obviously bad at keeping that promise!

Realizations-Turning the Page

So I made it through my third year of college, and my 17th year of school!...that's almost 20 years o_O Shit! Anyways, I sit here at 2 AM as everything starts to hit me that another school year has closed but essentially another door has opened. It's a hard feeling to explain but only one word can really explain it, bittersweet. The last 3 years have went by so fast, it was truly a blur.

I have turned the big 21 since I wrote last. Makes me laugh because I remember back to all those days that I recall saying "I can't wait until I turn 21!". Honestly, don't feel a whole lot different, besides being able to step foot into the liquor stores and make purchases whenever I want lol. Convenient :)

     Life truly works in funny ways. And the saying "everything happens for a reason" is definitely one of the foundation sayings of life itself. I sit here alone and look around my room in my current apartment that I am to be moving out of in less than a month. I will be moving into a house with one of my closest friends, I am excited for a new living situation. And why is that funny? Because if it hadn't been for me applying for that Resident Assistant job at the end of my freshman year I wouldn't have met my current roommate/best friend. If I hadn't have met her I wouldn't have in any way met another one of my best friends/co-workers/soon-to-be roommate. To think, if I hadn't simply filled out a paper for the R.A. position I wouldn't be sitting where I am today, it's a mind-boggling reality. In turn, that is a small yet BIG thought of reality itself: The smallest decisions could change your life forever. I know for sure I wouldn't have met all the amazing people that I am blessed to have gotten to know. If I hadn't simply gave a friend my roommate's number this last year she wouldn't be dating a girl she is crazy for. If I would've went to another college and not CCC I would be on a totally different path. I wouldn't have a job I enjoyed. I would have a whole different group of people in my life. Who KNOWS where I would be. Maybe on a faster path to happiness, like I said who knows! But life has a plan for each and every one of us. I wish we all had that ever so mentioned imaginary aspect of the crystal ball to see where we would and could've been. But why? Just so we could try to change it? The world I believe would be a total mess if we had control. We wouldn't learn all the knowledge we need to learn from this life to bring into the next one.

     Life is totally bittersweet for me lately as I am still trying to figure out some sort of path for what the rest of my life holds. How do we know what are good, bad, right or wrong choices? Are there really right or wrong ways to go? Either way some path will be made that you have to travel, no matter how rough or smooth. We don't get to pick. Those paths are just kind of carved by our decisions. Which is what life is initially about I suppose. Not having many friends in high school, through college I found a new avenue into the process of trusting people again. Yes, in the last 3 years trust has been broken, my heart has been crushed, I have been disappointed and have disappointed people myself, but yet I found individuals who are deep down REAL and stick beside me, even if they were a pain in my ass some of the time ;) And most of these people have moved away or will be moving away from Colby soon. I am excited for them but at the same time I am sad that they will not be in walking or short drives length. It's going to be totally different for me. I am scared for it, not going to lie. I hope I don't slip back into the depressed feelings lifestyle I lived on and off for so long. But another thing about college? I have become a more positive person, although it's still a work in progress. Everyday I try to better myself. It will be hard to say good-bye, but luckily it won't be forever, thank goodness! And I will still have some of them around for another year :)

     With that, I am looking towards the new chapter in my book of life with a bittersweet smile. I am growing up, as I type this with a lump in my throat. I am ready to take more of what life has to offer and throw my way by the horns! Hello new chapter, it's been a long but realistically short wait..

Independent vs. Dependent. The Ways We Are..

     One of the things that I have been pondering about lately is how do we become SO dependent on others for happiness in our lives? I will tell you I categorize myself as a highly independent individual. People? Unreliable 85% of the time. So I believe that being dependent on others is a waste of my time. But then again, I sometimes think back to the movie I Am Legend, where one man and his dog are by themselves, trying to survive in a world with literally no one, just the objects, buildings, roads, and other man made things that we left behind. Thinking about how he felt, having no family, friends and other people even around would be a harsh world. Having no one to bounce ideas, feelings and thoughts off of is a deep, incredibly frightening thought. So does this make ME dependent on people as well? Yes, I suppose it does. Even complete strangers help you daily to get you through simple tasks, such as filling out your taxes, checking out your groceries, helping you with random questions that might come up. One person can't have the knowledge of the entire world. It is not possible.

     But how does one feel when the strangers they have grown to know and love shatter your trust into a million pieces? What happens when you begin not to trust any other person, even family members? You know they mean the best, but sometimes you wonder if they are hiding stuff as well. All you learn to trust is yourself, and when that starts to become iffy? What do you do? You begin to wonder if you are the person you really want to be, if you are where you're supposed to be, if you're on the right path whatsoever. You begin to question literally EVERYTHING about yourself. That is where I am now. After the last few months, I am trying and actually succeeding at keeping all those questionable thoughts to the back of my mind. But when they come to haunt me? It hurts. Feel like it's a curse, but I am dealing with each question one day at a time. And one of the #1 sayings you hear, some questions can't be answered.

    Another thing that is ANNOYING that I am also learning more each day to manage is the fact that people can be so hypocritical. Us humans I have come to the conclusion like to complain about the dumbest stuff. I am guilty of it to. I feel like we always want people to feel sorry for us, so we can't live the whole day without something bothering us. It gives us something to talk about, when someone pisses us off or does something wrong. If I went an entire week without hearing it from someone, that would be the week to write up in the book of records. We work in mysterious ways, we are genuinely complicated beings. We can be hella confusing as well. Which makes you trust even yourself a little bit less.

    Anyways, enough with my slight venting session. Just felt the need to write :)

    

How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?

     First answer, "The world may never know.." ;) Classic. But really though, sitting here at work, grateful that sitting in this chair I am separated from the rest if the world by brick walls and glass, I am eating a tootsie pop, and realized that it would be a perfect metaphor to how the drama in my life has been playing out. The center in this post represents my last and final straw. Now, think of the hard candy part of a sucker. Tough, hard to chew, takes a while to crack, right? Well, I view the candy coating as the hard shell I try to hold for everyone, including myself. I don't like to see or view this coating as "crackable". For it is the part people, being the tootsie pop, want to enjoy the most. Maybe except for those controversary chocolate lovers, who crunch their way through the coating. That aspect put aside, there is a time that the coating cracks after so many "licks". In this metaphor licks are slaps to the face by reality, shit that happens, etc. So life in general lol.

     The biggest blows to this outer shell is when trust is broken. When one crack appears it is there forever. You can't go back and totally cover it up. You can let it mend, but the scar is still there. And in time that person who broke your trust may one day be forgiven. But I don't think one can ever look into the eyes of the once untrusting and totally believe. But that is when love steps in. We are human. We all make mistakes. And in those mistakes lies are mixed in. And sometimes lies are necessary to live peacefully among those, which is impossible, but we try to view as nothing is impossible, right?

     The more the tootsie pop is consumed by life, the smaller it gets. I believe this represents being torn down, and letting things get to you. The "breaking point" is when there is no candy left, but the soft, delicious gooiness of the chocolate center. I picture this being the best part of a person. The heart. The sweet section that I like to think is in us all, if you will. But being soft, that part is venerable. Without some kind of coating, it will break down to nothing but the candy stick that holds everything together. I view the stick the mere "essence" we need to keep going.

     Once we start to get the situations that broke our coating down figured out, once we learn from them a bit, I view as the stick and the middle to go back to a factory setting, for the coating to be recreated. This is a rebuild period, and in a real life perspective, this takes time. Months, even years. It more than likely will never be as strong as the once naïve, trusting you once had. The remnants of those cracks will be the weaknesses in the new shell. But once you start to rebuild you start to feel better.

    That is the stage I am in right now. I am rebuilding. I am revising. Trying to make this new shell stronger in the places where it was weak. I hope my metaphor didn't bore you, but being in a creative mood decided to give the tootsie pop idea a go :) I hope everyone never has to know what blows to the weak, venerable center has to feel like. It is painful. And it makes the motivation of rebuilding the shell of protection harder as well. If you are in the center stage, don't procrastinate. Review what broke you down. Start learning and making your new shell. We only have so long to live!

A Roller Coaster of a Month

     A LOT has happened since the last time I have posted. Saying it has been slightly overwhelming is an understatement. These last two weeks have defintley been perfectly described by the phrase "when it rains, it pours." I think we all have to have mentally, physically and emotionally drained at many times in our life to appreciate what is going good and what we have to grasp onto that never leaves. In this last month I know on a better level of who cares about me and who I can honestly trust with anything. 

     To wrap up my random last post, me and the girl I liked more than any crush I have ever had in my life, talked things out, and it led to me being hurt, yet again. But on a different level. For she decided to cut whatever you wanna call what we had off, because she couldn't live with any more guilt of hurting another person in her life with her relationship games, as I like to call them. I am grateful she spared me. Yet, I am still hurt in the fact she has fallen for another, a person who I know I am better than. It is hard to see someone fall for another when you know, or at least like to think, deserve better. I know I could have been a better girlfriend than the girl she is after, but moving on is my only choice, so we can at least still be good friends. I will never forget that solid feeling I had of KNOWING what I wanted. And I will also not forget the replayed over and over feeling of never getting what one really wants deep down. 

     Health is something that all of us healthy people take for granted, but when it is all of a sudden out of nowhere jeopardized, that is when one is wary. My health, mental and physical has gone down this month, maybe from stress, but I have yet to get a straight answer. Doctors are overrated lol. In a short note I hope things start to get back to normal again for me in that part of my life :) 

     We buried my grandpa, "Grampy" yesterday. I hate funerals. I guess I don't think anyone really likes funerals, but I always take them harder than I think I am naturally supposed to. Even after he had been sick for almost three years, it still hasn't quite hit me that he is gone and watching over us. Hearing the knots int he voices of those in my family that usually cause the most laughter was the most difficult, literally seeing the hurt and missing of their father. It was lovely and to the point, which is how my grandpa would have wanted it. I am just happy he can sing, dance and thrive without being in pain and without all the suffering in his disabled body. At every funeral I think, "what would it be like to look down upon your own funeral? Who would be there? Who would speak? Who would cry? Where do I go from there? Is everything they say about heaven and hell true?" I hope it will be a long time before I have to find that out, and before I get to hug my grandfather above the clouds. He will be waiting, and that is what puts a smile on my face :) 

     I hope things continue to get back to normal, and that my mind settles down mentally more and more by day. This was a rambling post, I apologize. lol. Hopefully next February won't be so harsh! Made me stronger, and I thank everyone and everything for that thus far. 

Bad Butterflies

     It's funny, that the things in life that affect us the most are the things we cannot physically touch. Feelings take over us, in ways that are unexplained. When we get feelings for a certain someone, you feel on top of the world. You tend to see everything around you differently, like never before.

     There are a lot of feelings that are HARD to explain for many of us, but if we find the way to open up to one another that is when we get to know one another as human beings even better. Feelings, being complex as they are, are very relatable to us humans, for we experience much of the same things. Feeling connected to another in a unique way is a good feeling, and you don't just want to let that go...

    But what happens when you wait to long, are too nervous, hold back, and never really get a chance to say how you feel? What happens when you get the courage to tell that one person everything you have felt for them for so long, and the day you are gonna spill your guts you find out that they are talking to someone else? Uhm...yeah, in this situation right now. I am nervous as hell, and not so good butterflies are eating me alive as I write this. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I just honestly DON'T KNOW...I am writing to help calm my nerves but it is not helping much. I don't know what is going to come out of this conversation. I am expecting the worst. I am expecting to be rejected. It's what I always expect. Don't get me wrong, there is still a small shining light in there somewhere, saying BE HOPEFUL! But at this point in time with everything in my life it is honestly not very bright. It is dim, and ready to go out. This will be one day that I write two posts in one day....will let you know how this talk went! Trying to be hopeful but don't wanna be too hopeful...

When is it time to say ENOUGH is enough?

     Everyone has those days where they want to quietly crawl back into bed, and hope today just turns into tomorrow. There is not one person that doesn't have bad days, it's called life. But when is the real "breaking point" when one needs to say "enough is ENOUGH" and start to make some drastic changes? I'm sorry to say there is no definite answer. Everyone has there limits, and when the limits reach the point of cracking, that's usually when the person has to stop putting off the thinking they don't want to do and take some action. Rule of thumb, you are the only one who can make the changes for YOUR life. No one else can. People can try to control you, but they can't live your life. Start a different path if needed. 

     Lately, my life has been quite the ordeal. From my grandpa pretty much on his death bed, to a new job, to college classes, and to a roommate that doesn't seem to want to help out much, trying to balance this all has been easier said than done. I am 20 years old, and I am coming to the end of my younger years where you are supposed to "live it up, have fun and enjoy yourself." Now I am living some real life realities, living in my own place, paying bills, ya know, the simple "joys" of adulthood. But are you supposed to be THIS stressed all the time? Will have to say thank goodness I finally found myself a decent job, so once I start getting paid I won't have to worry about money as much :) But, everything else seems to be caving in a bit. From not getting enough sleep, to worrying about family, to missing my last semester of classes to trying to keep things kept up at home so I can live in a clean environment. I have been trying awfully hard to balance it all, but there comes a time when changes need to take place, when you start to hit the "fed up wall". I feel like I am turning into a slightly different person with new responsibilities on my plate, which I like and dislike. The people who I always do SO much for are disliking me more, because I am starting to look out for myself more and more. And the side of me that is within that I know needs to stand up for herself more has been present more frequently, and she is getting more violent lol. 

     Everyone reaches multiple "cracking" points before hitting the wall and breaking it down. As I watch the bricks of my very sturdy wall start to crumble, it is only a matter of short time before it comes tumbling down. Major changes and things going on? Moving, quitting, starting over, getting over feelings, mourning, thinking about the future, just to name a few. Trying to decide which ones are best for my near future? Hard. But needs to start taking immediate place. 

     I have learned over the years not to plan too far ahead, for a lot can happen in a day, week and month's time. I am waiting patiently to see how things unfold. I am keeping positive thoughts and hoping for the best :)  That is all I can do. 

Learning the Small Town World of Law

     Living in Western Kansas out in the boondocks my entire life, jobs are few and far between. Growing up, I had random odd jobs such as babysitting, cleaning neighbors houses. Then I moved up to a position helping out at our small town grocery store in the "big city" of Gove. Then I got the chance to work for some great people cleaning a feedlot office. Now these were definitely not extravagant jobs, but they got me the money I needed. I've had numerous jobs over my college years, from research center farm help to front end supervisor at Dillons. All of them have taught me good and bad things, but I never truly WANTED to got to work, I kinda just had to because I had bills to pay.

     Being unemployed for almost 2 months,  I decided to reach out to other job opportunities besides Colby. Oakley was the next best bet, and heading to the one place that I've always remembered in Oakley ever since I was little, the Vet's Office, I wasn't expecting to also be getting an application from the police department as well that day. I just so happened to be texting one of my good friends that works there beforehand. She was flustered, due to the fact one of her coworkers had resigned and they were already shorthanded as it was. So I decided why not? And got an application from a man I would soon be learning is my boss/captain at the department. Not gonna lie, going into the building and leaving with an application from a POLICE department was scary and intimidating, and I second guessed several times on even filling it out. I said to myself, who knows, right? Give it a shot!

    It was mere days and I was sitting in the middle of this huge, intimidating table with three guys in uniform, asking me random questions. Walking out I actually wasn't for sure if I even had a chance. I mean, a small town girl with random jobs under her belt, why would they give ME a chance at something like dispatching or communicating for the surrounding community? I started to drive away and literally ten minutes passed from time of interview to getting the phone call to come back down to the station. I had gotten the job! A nervous feeling filled my entire body, and I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into. I was already starting to doubt myself.

     My first day of training, Sunday January 21 was filled with chit chat from a girl that had been dispatching there for 3 years. She was actually a girl I had known a majority of my life, we had rode the school bus together for years back in my grade school days. Getting to see her in this environment was defiantly a change lol. Second day came and went by quickly, my friend who had told me about the job training me on maps, 10 codes and a lot of other details. Third day, being on the radio, and my friend letting me on the computers already because I was so curious :)

    Having two days off now to reflect, I think I am going to like this job. Yes, I will admit my brain has literally HURT going to bed after my shifts, but my curiosity doesn't seem to want to stop. I wish the brain had the compacity to learn EVERYTHING all at once and retain in. But since that is not possible for me, I am learning a bit at a time. I am one of the detail people, and I seem to retain the details in this job more and hope all the puzzle pieces match up into the big picture soon. Knowing I will be learning and hands on learning is something I actually look forward to, and I haven't complained once about being there till midnight :)

     Just knowing I am going and developing myself in a field of law, being able to help those in the community and doing something this important is awesome to me. My curiosity hasn't been this spiked in YEARS, feels like my brain is a whole new world :) I hope that the next few weeks go good and that I continue to retain all this information...daunting my good thus far! Learning this job? I never thought I would get an opportunity like this! It's a good feeling!

   

It's 2013?!

     Well first of all, Happy 2013! I am about 20 days late on writing my post I intended to write for the new year. SO my bad! :) A lot has gone on since I last wrote in the beginning of November. Job status, my first ticket, new apartment, bringing feelings back to life for a crush I had on yet another friend, getting in touch with a few people I never thought I would be real close with..yeah, a good/rough start to 2013!

     I still can't believe how fast 2012 went by, it's amazing to look back to everything that happened, and put together EVERYTHING that went on within ONE year..it's riDONKulous lol. Even though there is quite a bit that occured I am not totally proud of, I left 2012 in my past with a clear conscience. I believe that is the right way to end a year, accepting everything, learning from it all, and moving forward.

     I still don't get all the hype that comes with the start of a new year. People make ridiculous New Year Resolutions, stick to em for a day to two weeks or so, and then go back to their usual routine. Not saying some really stick with their goals, but we all know how we are. Besides the fact that people mainly make their resolutions on physical aspects of themselves, weight loss being a popular pick.

     I think as the year comes to a close, we should reflect on everything good, bad and ugly that happened that year. I know it's cliche, but MAKE A LIST! If you truly ponder on the happenings within your year, you will get a total and more accurate overview. Write down things you weren't proud of. Write down things you succeeded at, goals you achieved, things left undone. Then make a list of goals you want to accomplish. Sure, make resolutions to better your physical appearance, just make sure it's an attainable goal. But don't make all your resolutions about outside appearance. You can't be pretty on the outside if you're not on the inside, that's where beauty really bestows itself! Just saying...