Proud Member of the Rainbow Team

Today, I simply wore a rainbow colored shirt into an eating establishment. And I was picked out by the cashier and discriminated when I verbalized I did indeed support the gay community, seeing as I am one myself. When are people going to realize gays are everywhere? There are so many that haven't come out yet. And why? Because of situations like these. Some people take these encounters a lot harder than others. Made me laugh, but for others it inhibits them to even want to go out in public.

Just like the African Americans fought for their freedom and women fought for their rights to be equal as men, the homosexual community WILL have their day. And I am more determined now than ever to help with this movement.

The fact of the matter is, people are close minded, especially the older population. They won't budge from their set ways to accept those that have been in hiding for so long. Good news? It IS being more accepted. That's why there are so many coming out of the woodwork.

We are all different. None of us are the same besides we are all human. We all have our own experiences, views, beliefs, lives and way we deal with what life throws at us.

Gays, lesbians, bisexuals, asexuals and transgenders are ALL human too. We are not alien just because we like the same sex, don't have the need for sex or want to stand out from the crowd, express ourselves and dress differently.

Some say "The Bible, the Bible! What about God's view? He looks down upon it.." Well what the hell? Pardon my language. But that book was written, what? Like thousands of years ago, literally. Things change people. This is the 21st century. And the part where 'God loves all this children?' Uhm..did ya forget that tidbit? So with that subject, God LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN. I think he would frown down upon his children putting the ones that the society thinks are a little different. LOVE IS LOVE. Why can't we all just love one another? We are all living this tough ass life. Why can't we walk out of our own doors, knowing we will get smiles instead of odd looks. Why can't children go to school without being bullied because they admitted to their best friend their feelings for them? Why can't we show our love freely?

The world can be a more accepting place if those that are a little more close minded see the world for how it is. Those people just can't accept the fact that they can't wrap their heads are the differences that truly make us human beings.

Just to let you know, I have a meeting with the manager, who I found out WAS the one who harassed me. I am a player for the other side, and as a member of a team does, I am ALWAYS going to go out with a fight when it comes to my teammates. I hope to live to see the day when gay marriage and equality is more widely accepted, and those that are ignorant will be in the minority. Peace out.

Outta All the Fish in the Sea

There are literally tens of thousands of people that make up the world. That help make the world go round. That we depend on. That get us into trouble. That teach us new things. That live through the experiences that make us who we are. There is no way you will meet everybody, it is just not physically possible. But those that do happen to come into your life, for whatever reason, are meant to be there somehow. At least that is what I believe.

Living in the 21st century, there are SO many more options available to us to meet people that we otherwise may have never met just on our own. The internet is the most popular. Even I have met some awesome, creepy, kind, and ungrateful people online. As you can imagine I didn't talk to some for very long..lol.

But just recently I happened to come across a girl that was too from Kansas, just on the other side of the state. I messaged her without a second thought, and I had no idea that in the next few days I would become totally intrigued by her and her story.

Usually, people online don't tell you much about their lives, all they want is to get to know you and where you live to be able to have sexual relations. And I'm sorry kids, but this ginger doesn't play that way. So when I starting talking to her, I immediately knew this particular situation was going to be different, and decided eh, why not? Let's take the leap of faith and see what happens.

Now, granted we haven't been talking long, perhaps a week now. I have lost track. I just know the days we talk go by a little quicker. We have talked about the most random things, but finding someone that has the past she does and is willing to let her being out to a total stranger to her? Bravery. To tell someone she has never met her feelings? It's so nice to see someone else willing to take a leap of faith into something virtually unknown to her.

The reason I am writing is because is it possible to gain so much respect from someone you have talked to for such a short time and who you have never met? I am honestly starting to think this is very possible. To find one person in a sea of harsh, untrusting and unforgiving beings, it has to be a small sign of some sort or another.

Another way she has captured my attention? Besides the fact we are a lot alike in many aspects, she has brought me to think about my past a bit, even all that has happened this past year alone. I have come a LONG way from where I was last summer. If only I could go back and tell the Ruby I knew then that things are gonna get rough, but to be patient and they are gonna get better, I would. To see that girl who was lost. Angry. Upset. And unhopeful. And to tell her to go by her most motivational motta, KEEP MOVING FORWARD. I would.

This girl has somehow brought me to accept some of the things in my past and to smile as I keep on moving forward, taking each day step by step. That, that is a blessing. I don't know if this texting will turn in phone calls, and phone calls will turn into visits. If it does, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Everything happens for a reason, but we got to be patient in the journey to find out what those reasons are, whether we accept them or not.

We haven't ran out of things to talk about yet, and that is rare for me as well. I hope we continue to talk. And that I am not a creepy lesbian, typing all this about a girl I have only texted for a week lol. Because this is unlike me! But what she brings out in me? Different. And I gotta go along with what happens that is not the humdrum of everyday life.

I will try to keep you updated, but by my posts I am obviously bad at keeping that promise!

Realizations-Turning the Page

So I made it through my third year of college, and my 17th year of school!...that's almost 20 years o_O Shit! Anyways, I sit here at 2 AM as everything starts to hit me that another school year has closed but essentially another door has opened. It's a hard feeling to explain but only one word can really explain it, bittersweet. The last 3 years have went by so fast, it was truly a blur.

I have turned the big 21 since I wrote last. Makes me laugh because I remember back to all those days that I recall saying "I can't wait until I turn 21!". Honestly, don't feel a whole lot different, besides being able to step foot into the liquor stores and make purchases whenever I want lol. Convenient :)

     Life truly works in funny ways. And the saying "everything happens for a reason" is definitely one of the foundation sayings of life itself. I sit here alone and look around my room in my current apartment that I am to be moving out of in less than a month. I will be moving into a house with one of my closest friends, I am excited for a new living situation. And why is that funny? Because if it hadn't been for me applying for that Resident Assistant job at the end of my freshman year I wouldn't have met my current roommate/best friend. If I hadn't have met her I wouldn't have in any way met another one of my best friends/co-workers/soon-to-be roommate. To think, if I hadn't simply filled out a paper for the R.A. position I wouldn't be sitting where I am today, it's a mind-boggling reality. In turn, that is a small yet BIG thought of reality itself: The smallest decisions could change your life forever. I know for sure I wouldn't have met all the amazing people that I am blessed to have gotten to know. If I hadn't simply gave a friend my roommate's number this last year she wouldn't be dating a girl she is crazy for. If I would've went to another college and not CCC I would be on a totally different path. I wouldn't have a job I enjoyed. I would have a whole different group of people in my life. Who KNOWS where I would be. Maybe on a faster path to happiness, like I said who knows! But life has a plan for each and every one of us. I wish we all had that ever so mentioned imaginary aspect of the crystal ball to see where we would and could've been. But why? Just so we could try to change it? The world I believe would be a total mess if we had control. We wouldn't learn all the knowledge we need to learn from this life to bring into the next one.

     Life is totally bittersweet for me lately as I am still trying to figure out some sort of path for what the rest of my life holds. How do we know what are good, bad, right or wrong choices? Are there really right or wrong ways to go? Either way some path will be made that you have to travel, no matter how rough or smooth. We don't get to pick. Those paths are just kind of carved by our decisions. Which is what life is initially about I suppose. Not having many friends in high school, through college I found a new avenue into the process of trusting people again. Yes, in the last 3 years trust has been broken, my heart has been crushed, I have been disappointed and have disappointed people myself, but yet I found individuals who are deep down REAL and stick beside me, even if they were a pain in my ass some of the time ;) And most of these people have moved away or will be moving away from Colby soon. I am excited for them but at the same time I am sad that they will not be in walking or short drives length. It's going to be totally different for me. I am scared for it, not going to lie. I hope I don't slip back into the depressed feelings lifestyle I lived on and off for so long. But another thing about college? I have become a more positive person, although it's still a work in progress. Everyday I try to better myself. It will be hard to say good-bye, but luckily it won't be forever, thank goodness! And I will still have some of them around for another year :)

     With that, I am looking towards the new chapter in my book of life with a bittersweet smile. I am growing up, as I type this with a lump in my throat. I am ready to take more of what life has to offer and throw my way by the horns! Hello new chapter, it's been a long but realistically short wait..

Independent vs. Dependent. The Ways We Are..

     One of the things that I have been pondering about lately is how do we become SO dependent on others for happiness in our lives? I will tell you I categorize myself as a highly independent individual. People? Unreliable 85% of the time. So I believe that being dependent on others is a waste of my time. But then again, I sometimes think back to the movie I Am Legend, where one man and his dog are by themselves, trying to survive in a world with literally no one, just the objects, buildings, roads, and other man made things that we left behind. Thinking about how he felt, having no family, friends and other people even around would be a harsh world. Having no one to bounce ideas, feelings and thoughts off of is a deep, incredibly frightening thought. So does this make ME dependent on people as well? Yes, I suppose it does. Even complete strangers help you daily to get you through simple tasks, such as filling out your taxes, checking out your groceries, helping you with random questions that might come up. One person can't have the knowledge of the entire world. It is not possible.

     But how does one feel when the strangers they have grown to know and love shatter your trust into a million pieces? What happens when you begin not to trust any other person, even family members? You know they mean the best, but sometimes you wonder if they are hiding stuff as well. All you learn to trust is yourself, and when that starts to become iffy? What do you do? You begin to wonder if you are the person you really want to be, if you are where you're supposed to be, if you're on the right path whatsoever. You begin to question literally EVERYTHING about yourself. That is where I am now. After the last few months, I am trying and actually succeeding at keeping all those questionable thoughts to the back of my mind. But when they come to haunt me? It hurts. Feel like it's a curse, but I am dealing with each question one day at a time. And one of the #1 sayings you hear, some questions can't be answered.

    Another thing that is ANNOYING that I am also learning more each day to manage is the fact that people can be so hypocritical. Us humans I have come to the conclusion like to complain about the dumbest stuff. I am guilty of it to. I feel like we always want people to feel sorry for us, so we can't live the whole day without something bothering us. It gives us something to talk about, when someone pisses us off or does something wrong. If I went an entire week without hearing it from someone, that would be the week to write up in the book of records. We work in mysterious ways, we are genuinely complicated beings. We can be hella confusing as well. Which makes you trust even yourself a little bit less.

    Anyways, enough with my slight venting session. Just felt the need to write :)

    

How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?

     First answer, "The world may never know.." ;) Classic. But really though, sitting here at work, grateful that sitting in this chair I am separated from the rest if the world by brick walls and glass, I am eating a tootsie pop, and realized that it would be a perfect metaphor to how the drama in my life has been playing out. The center in this post represents my last and final straw. Now, think of the hard candy part of a sucker. Tough, hard to chew, takes a while to crack, right? Well, I view the candy coating as the hard shell I try to hold for everyone, including myself. I don't like to see or view this coating as "crackable". For it is the part people, being the tootsie pop, want to enjoy the most. Maybe except for those controversary chocolate lovers, who crunch their way through the coating. That aspect put aside, there is a time that the coating cracks after so many "licks". In this metaphor licks are slaps to the face by reality, shit that happens, etc. So life in general lol.

     The biggest blows to this outer shell is when trust is broken. When one crack appears it is there forever. You can't go back and totally cover it up. You can let it mend, but the scar is still there. And in time that person who broke your trust may one day be forgiven. But I don't think one can ever look into the eyes of the once untrusting and totally believe. But that is when love steps in. We are human. We all make mistakes. And in those mistakes lies are mixed in. And sometimes lies are necessary to live peacefully among those, which is impossible, but we try to view as nothing is impossible, right?

     The more the tootsie pop is consumed by life, the smaller it gets. I believe this represents being torn down, and letting things get to you. The "breaking point" is when there is no candy left, but the soft, delicious gooiness of the chocolate center. I picture this being the best part of a person. The heart. The sweet section that I like to think is in us all, if you will. But being soft, that part is venerable. Without some kind of coating, it will break down to nothing but the candy stick that holds everything together. I view the stick the mere "essence" we need to keep going.

     Once we start to get the situations that broke our coating down figured out, once we learn from them a bit, I view as the stick and the middle to go back to a factory setting, for the coating to be recreated. This is a rebuild period, and in a real life perspective, this takes time. Months, even years. It more than likely will never be as strong as the once naïve, trusting you once had. The remnants of those cracks will be the weaknesses in the new shell. But once you start to rebuild you start to feel better.

    That is the stage I am in right now. I am rebuilding. I am revising. Trying to make this new shell stronger in the places where it was weak. I hope my metaphor didn't bore you, but being in a creative mood decided to give the tootsie pop idea a go :) I hope everyone never has to know what blows to the weak, venerable center has to feel like. It is painful. And it makes the motivation of rebuilding the shell of protection harder as well. If you are in the center stage, don't procrastinate. Review what broke you down. Start learning and making your new shell. We only have so long to live!

A Roller Coaster of a Month

     A LOT has happened since the last time I have posted. Saying it has been slightly overwhelming is an understatement. These last two weeks have defintley been perfectly described by the phrase "when it rains, it pours." I think we all have to have mentally, physically and emotionally drained at many times in our life to appreciate what is going good and what we have to grasp onto that never leaves. In this last month I know on a better level of who cares about me and who I can honestly trust with anything. 

     To wrap up my random last post, me and the girl I liked more than any crush I have ever had in my life, talked things out, and it led to me being hurt, yet again. But on a different level. For she decided to cut whatever you wanna call what we had off, because she couldn't live with any more guilt of hurting another person in her life with her relationship games, as I like to call them. I am grateful she spared me. Yet, I am still hurt in the fact she has fallen for another, a person who I know I am better than. It is hard to see someone fall for another when you know, or at least like to think, deserve better. I know I could have been a better girlfriend than the girl she is after, but moving on is my only choice, so we can at least still be good friends. I will never forget that solid feeling I had of KNOWING what I wanted. And I will also not forget the replayed over and over feeling of never getting what one really wants deep down. 

     Health is something that all of us healthy people take for granted, but when it is all of a sudden out of nowhere jeopardized, that is when one is wary. My health, mental and physical has gone down this month, maybe from stress, but I have yet to get a straight answer. Doctors are overrated lol. In a short note I hope things start to get back to normal again for me in that part of my life :) 

     We buried my grandpa, "Grampy" yesterday. I hate funerals. I guess I don't think anyone really likes funerals, but I always take them harder than I think I am naturally supposed to. Even after he had been sick for almost three years, it still hasn't quite hit me that he is gone and watching over us. Hearing the knots int he voices of those in my family that usually cause the most laughter was the most difficult, literally seeing the hurt and missing of their father. It was lovely and to the point, which is how my grandpa would have wanted it. I am just happy he can sing, dance and thrive without being in pain and without all the suffering in his disabled body. At every funeral I think, "what would it be like to look down upon your own funeral? Who would be there? Who would speak? Who would cry? Where do I go from there? Is everything they say about heaven and hell true?" I hope it will be a long time before I have to find that out, and before I get to hug my grandfather above the clouds. He will be waiting, and that is what puts a smile on my face :) 

     I hope things continue to get back to normal, and that my mind settles down mentally more and more by day. This was a rambling post, I apologize. lol. Hopefully next February won't be so harsh! Made me stronger, and I thank everyone and everything for that thus far. 

Bad Butterflies

     It's funny, that the things in life that affect us the most are the things we cannot physically touch. Feelings take over us, in ways that are unexplained. When we get feelings for a certain someone, you feel on top of the world. You tend to see everything around you differently, like never before.

     There are a lot of feelings that are HARD to explain for many of us, but if we find the way to open up to one another that is when we get to know one another as human beings even better. Feelings, being complex as they are, are very relatable to us humans, for we experience much of the same things. Feeling connected to another in a unique way is a good feeling, and you don't just want to let that go...

    But what happens when you wait to long, are too nervous, hold back, and never really get a chance to say how you feel? What happens when you get the courage to tell that one person everything you have felt for them for so long, and the day you are gonna spill your guts you find out that they are talking to someone else? Uhm...yeah, in this situation right now. I am nervous as hell, and not so good butterflies are eating me alive as I write this. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I just honestly DON'T KNOW...I am writing to help calm my nerves but it is not helping much. I don't know what is going to come out of this conversation. I am expecting the worst. I am expecting to be rejected. It's what I always expect. Don't get me wrong, there is still a small shining light in there somewhere, saying BE HOPEFUL! But at this point in time with everything in my life it is honestly not very bright. It is dim, and ready to go out. This will be one day that I write two posts in one day....will let you know how this talk went! Trying to be hopeful but don't wanna be too hopeful...