Butterflies Galore

T minus 6 hours until I start my trip to Southeast Kansas, the trip I have been looking forward to and waiting for since I started talking to the person that has made my heart skip pretty much since day 1. It's been 6 months yesterday that we have been talking. Thank goodness for technology. Through the countless phone calls and endless text messages and skype dates, I have fallen for this wonderful, caring, selfless, understanding and beautiful woman. 

I used to judge so hard about those that fell for those they met literally through their computer screens, stuffing their faces with junk food and sitting in their pj's. And I think back to that one day this one girl in particular caught my eye, and I decided out of a whim to message her, not thinking that I would get a response back. And look where we are now...shit. Time flies. How is it humanly possible to yearn for and miss someone you have never hugged? Never held hands with? Never sat beside? I really do not have the answer to those questions, at least not right now. But I damn well know I'm ready to be able to talk to her face to face, to see those until tomorrow imagined facial expressions. To hold her hand, to embrace her in a kiss. I have never fell for someone quite like this before. The fact that we are so perfectly imperfect gets to me everyday, through every message I receive from her. 

I am not one to look far into the future, because that leads to high expectations. And this is life. And you can dream but to turn those dreams into reality you have to set reasonable goals to achieve those dreams. And I hope to have her by my side down the road, as we help one another find where we are meant to be in our lives. And I really, honestly, undoubtedly hope that we are there, together. 

With her being a couple years younger she has a little more baggage that she hasn't gone through yet, I believe I came into her life for this purpose. We understand one another in ways that are unexplainable in words, yet, to us, we know exactly how we feel about one another. 

Through this 5 day weekend trip to Independence, I hope to establish yet another piece of the foundation known as our relationship. And to keep moving forward, as we take these baby steps together. I just know that I haven't wanted anything to work out this badly in...well, in my entire life. It all feels SO right. And years from now I hope to wake up to her and spend everyday with her. Someday :) We can't rush this <3  

Here it Goes Here it Goes Again

Here I am again, this is going to be another ranting post about the nonsense that ALWAYS seems to take it's course when my expectations are high. Found out last night that my Ppa had fell and was majorly injured and is now in a comatose that none of us know or really believe that he is going to come out of. This was the week I've been looking forward to since June, finally being able to meet the girl of my dreams. I told myself that there was going to be nothing standing in my way, just the day before. And then this had to happen. Selfish thinking, I know right? 

But when do you or should you start to view life as a bunch of endless, hopeless obstacles? When everything you look forward to never EVER goes not even a little as planned. When can you start to give up? Or do we as humans have no other choice than to keep pushing forward? 21 years of this. I know life itself usually doesn't work out like we picture it and want it to be. But just a simple trip? The ONE trip of a lifetime that I have been waiting my whole life to take? It is very depressing. But I am trying not to let my circumstances stop me. I guess it probably won't be this month, but how can you plan and expect the best again when it has been ruined once, like everything in your life beforehand? I guess I have no choice but to stay on this roller coaster called daily life. Or it should be called Life of Disappointment. It's so hard not to look forward to something you want more than anything else in the world. 

With that said, so far about everything else is okay, hanging in the balance at least. I just know that I need HER. I just want to hold her, to look into her eyes and forget about the entire world and all the trouble it is in. Because with her, I know I can conquer a whole hell of a lot. And with her, I know I will not give up. Because she gives me reasons everyday to fight for her. For me. For us. For the life I have wanted to give up on countless times. I am just tired of being here, without her. How can you possibly miss someone who you have never met in the flesh? Damn. Love does crazy things to the mind, the heart, the soul. Your whole being. 

Hopefully my next post will bring more positive news, for now, I will have to take this curveball on this ride and take it in stride. 

Are Words Simply Enough?

As like many other nights, my overthinking switch is a bit jammed and I'm in the difficult process of shutting it off lol. This posts subject- long distance relationships.
How can you fall in love with someone you have met, touched or embraced in the flesh? Impossible, right? Quite the contrary. I used to be one of these skeptical people as well. Like meeting someone online and it actually working out? Pssshhh please. But now I have turned into one of these suckers. I am now head over heels, now what do I have to say for myself?

It will be 6 months November 6th that I have been talking to this amazing woman that is now a part of my everyday life. It is truly mind blowing how one simply "hello, how are you?" message on a website full of thousands of others trying to search for companionship can turn into where we are now. My heart literally HURTS, in a good way of course, with how deep my feelings run for this person. A person I text everyday, call frequently, and have Skyped with once. How the HELL does this happen? Are words enough for us silly humans to fall so deeply for another being? Perhaps. But a lot of long distance is trusting. Trusting they are doing, bettering themselves, and making strides for you when you can't, in reality, see them doing so. Its amazing how so many words of encouragement, passion and some criticism out of caring can do to you. My heart and mind is mush. For those that have never been in a long distance type of relationship, it is not easy. Once you develop feelings, all you tend to think about is the future, and WHEN it will be your time to get to see the person that has taken your thoughts. It sucks when you have to watch those around you with their significant other, who get to see one another everyday. And all you wanna do is show your lover off to those around you. Your mind gets overloaded with all the thoughts of what the future could be. But it is so blurry. Because depending on how far away this person is, you are in doubt that it will even work out in the long run. But, love has a funny way of making people do the impossible. Of making them determined to achieve such a thing in their lives. To have, for once, something work out for them that they want ever so deeply. That is the place I am in. It is a good, bad, wonderful, overpowering feeling. Is that what long distance love is supposed to feel like?

November 7th. This is the day I will be traveling across the state to finally see her face. To feel what her embracing hug feels like. To kiss the face of the woman that has made me turn to literal mush. To lay next to the being that makes me smile everyday. To talk in person all night to the one I have given already so much of myself to. To maybe start planning our future. See where we want to go. To make "us" official. I have been impatiently waiting for this day. And it is 17 days away. I am nervous as hell, won't deny you lol. But I am ready. I am ready to make all my invisions of how our first time meeting would be into a reality. I am in love. And I hope, and I have confidence that it will not turn to for the worst this time. My lord, lol, look what love does? Hopefully I am not too stupid ;) :P

Those Hard Moments..When the Conscience Speaks.

No matter how hard one tries, you will be times in your life that you get into predicaments that test your levels of common sense, the strength the of your heart and the limits of your conscience. We sometimes don't know what the outcome of our decisions will be in these tough situations. There is one thing for certain though. They will either bring out the best or the worst within us. There will be times we let loose and use the best policy, honesty. And there are other times that we will let things eat at our conscience instead of facing the wrath of "what might be".

 

One thing that is true, it is a choice, your choice, to either open up and be honest with those that you care about and yourself. Or to hide and deal with it on your own. The word 'predicament' is a funny word in itself, for there are just those situations that it is way better left unsaid and left undisturbed. The thing is, what IS the right thing to do? If only there was a manual of each and every situation you were ever to get involved in. But what would be the point of life? You wouldn't learn and grow from those tough, stuck between a rock and hard place moments. You truly get to learn and see who you are and who you are yet to be through all the bullshit you may get yourself into. And even though there are always going to be certain people that judge you harshly for the mistakes you made, you somewhat know what is the right and wrong thing to do during the aftermath of whatever poor or somewhat confusing decision you may've made.

 

Realistically, one should always expect the unexpected. You can never predict any aspect of predicaments you will get into. In a way, there are many a time that there's no way to dodge the bullet of fate. With each situation comes new ideas of how the world really works. And, for some, it's a harsh reality and there are bad consequences that come with some choices.

 

The best thing about making bad choices or getting yourself into situations that have multiple solutions, you are not alone. We all go through tough life lessons. And what's even more beautiful about it? We can actually learn from one another's mistakes. Or, if we have a phase of dumbness come upon us, there are many out there that can relate because of their similar life experiences.

 

So, it may take an ounce of courage and a willing to lose a little bit of your pride to speak up, and own up to your mistakes. 9 times out of 10, you are going to gain more respect from those around you anyways for being truly human enough to own up to what you've done. For some, it takes literally years to tell the complete, honest truth. If you are the person receiving this information months of years later, don't be hateful. Try to be the listening ear that that person has been waiting so long for. They may never show it, but they will be internally grateful for your time. For you, you were the advocate to get that boulder off their shoulders that they were struggling to hold up.

 

So in conclusion, we are all human. None of us are perfect. Life can suck ass, and ya gotta learn what is the right and wrong thing to do, in every situation. Some things take more time and consideration than others. Just remember, whatever you did, no matter how bad, YOU are the one living with the consequences. Stick to your gut, and LISTEN to your heart and conscience. They, in funny ways, have a way of getting us through those rough patches in the path we are leading, and back on track. And the awesome part, through these experiences, we continue to learn more about ourselves. And we will continue to get to know those that share our lives better as well. Without these hard to live through experiences, we wouldn't know who to trust and count on. And THAT, that's what truly matters.

An Urge of Inspiration

I honestly don't know what has gotten into me the last month or so. But some sort of calling has been speaking to me. And this may sound cliche', but I have an urge to start making my mark upon the world. The thing is, I'm dealing with a creativity block, and the light bulb lighting the pathway to what I am supposed to do is a flickering one, not yet totally lit. I have had so many ideas, from YouTube videos, to community service, to donations and to even going to the college or high school board to create a new group in the city of Colby. Something just doesn't seem right with really ANY of these options. For some reason my crazy mind says to be original. And the wheels in my head have been turning non-stop on how to do just that-making my own, individual, creative and one-of-a-kind step that stands out among the millions of others who already made their place and inspired others.

Perhaps I need to stop doubting the ideas that I think won't work and start putting some of them into play, who knows. I just know that since it's calling to me so strongly I need to act upon this feeling. And it may be that I haven't met all the people that I know can help me achieve this either. Perhaps the calling is now but the action is supposed to take place later down the road. Like I've said before PATIENCE IS KEY, and that is what I am going to do, along with brain storming ideas until the right time comes along for me to instill them.

 

Human action from the heart is a funny thing in itself. Having a drive to do something about all the problems in the world is something that takes a strong willed individual to accomplish. And from everything that I have experienced and seen as a young adult so far in my life, I think I am ready to take those very tiny baby steps that will one day lead to something bigger for not just me, but those in my life as well.

Maybe part of this urge is the new feelings I've gotten the blessed chance to feel again, which is the blooming of deep feelings for another that I hope don't end up drowning me. This person has not only inspired me further but brought out another part of me as well, almost lit a type of fire, if that makes sense? An unexplainable fire that I want to successfully fulfill. To find this woman from literally the air and become so inspired from her experiences and hardships, I have found a new urge to want to help others such as my past self, who went through torment from others, to the gay side of who I am.

 

My goal is to make a difference in some way. And perhaps I need to think more simply and not so elaborately. For, the smallest gestures of kindness, the tiniest of steps towards a better tomorrow, are those that seem to have the biggest impact on the world. My mind is still turning with ideas, hopefully I will start to create a path, and I don't care if it is or if it's not the right one. For, any path that life leads me, I will continue to meet new people that can carry me farther. And I will keep experiencing things that will one day help me truly make that step that I hope many will get to see and experience along with me :)

Proud Member of the Rainbow Team

Today, I simply wore a rainbow colored shirt into an eating establishment. And I was picked out by the cashier and discriminated when I verbalized I did indeed support the gay community, seeing as I am one myself. When are people going to realize gays are everywhere? There are so many that haven't come out yet. And why? Because of situations like these. Some people take these encounters a lot harder than others. Made me laugh, but for others it inhibits them to even want to go out in public.

Just like the African Americans fought for their freedom and women fought for their rights to be equal as men, the homosexual community WILL have their day. And I am more determined now than ever to help with this movement.

The fact of the matter is, people are close minded, especially the older population. They won't budge from their set ways to accept those that have been in hiding for so long. Good news? It IS being more accepted. That's why there are so many coming out of the woodwork.

We are all different. None of us are the same besides we are all human. We all have our own experiences, views, beliefs, lives and way we deal with what life throws at us.

Gays, lesbians, bisexuals, asexuals and transgenders are ALL human too. We are not alien just because we like the same sex, don't have the need for sex or want to stand out from the crowd, express ourselves and dress differently.

Some say "The Bible, the Bible! What about God's view? He looks down upon it.." Well what the hell? Pardon my language. But that book was written, what? Like thousands of years ago, literally. Things change people. This is the 21st century. And the part where 'God loves all this children?' Uhm..did ya forget that tidbit? So with that subject, God LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN. I think he would frown down upon his children putting the ones that the society thinks are a little different. LOVE IS LOVE. Why can't we all just love one another? We are all living this tough ass life. Why can't we walk out of our own doors, knowing we will get smiles instead of odd looks. Why can't children go to school without being bullied because they admitted to their best friend their feelings for them? Why can't we show our love freely?

The world can be a more accepting place if those that are a little more close minded see the world for how it is. Those people just can't accept the fact that they can't wrap their heads are the differences that truly make us human beings.

Just to let you know, I have a meeting with the manager, who I found out WAS the one who harassed me. I am a player for the other side, and as a member of a team does, I am ALWAYS going to go out with a fight when it comes to my teammates. I hope to live to see the day when gay marriage and equality is more widely accepted, and those that are ignorant will be in the minority. Peace out.

Outta All the Fish in the Sea

There are literally tens of thousands of people that make up the world. That help make the world go round. That we depend on. That get us into trouble. That teach us new things. That live through the experiences that make us who we are. There is no way you will meet everybody, it is just not physically possible. But those that do happen to come into your life, for whatever reason, are meant to be there somehow. At least that is what I believe.

Living in the 21st century, there are SO many more options available to us to meet people that we otherwise may have never met just on our own. The internet is the most popular. Even I have met some awesome, creepy, kind, and ungrateful people online. As you can imagine I didn't talk to some for very long..lol.

But just recently I happened to come across a girl that was too from Kansas, just on the other side of the state. I messaged her without a second thought, and I had no idea that in the next few days I would become totally intrigued by her and her story.

Usually, people online don't tell you much about their lives, all they want is to get to know you and where you live to be able to have sexual relations. And I'm sorry kids, but this ginger doesn't play that way. So when I starting talking to her, I immediately knew this particular situation was going to be different, and decided eh, why not? Let's take the leap of faith and see what happens.

Now, granted we haven't been talking long, perhaps a week now. I have lost track. I just know the days we talk go by a little quicker. We have talked about the most random things, but finding someone that has the past she does and is willing to let her being out to a total stranger to her? Bravery. To tell someone she has never met her feelings? It's so nice to see someone else willing to take a leap of faith into something virtually unknown to her.

The reason I am writing is because is it possible to gain so much respect from someone you have talked to for such a short time and who you have never met? I am honestly starting to think this is very possible. To find one person in a sea of harsh, untrusting and unforgiving beings, it has to be a small sign of some sort or another.

Another way she has captured my attention? Besides the fact we are a lot alike in many aspects, she has brought me to think about my past a bit, even all that has happened this past year alone. I have come a LONG way from where I was last summer. If only I could go back and tell the Ruby I knew then that things are gonna get rough, but to be patient and they are gonna get better, I would. To see that girl who was lost. Angry. Upset. And unhopeful. And to tell her to go by her most motivational motta, KEEP MOVING FORWARD. I would.

This girl has somehow brought me to accept some of the things in my past and to smile as I keep on moving forward, taking each day step by step. That, that is a blessing. I don't know if this texting will turn in phone calls, and phone calls will turn into visits. If it does, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Everything happens for a reason, but we got to be patient in the journey to find out what those reasons are, whether we accept them or not.

We haven't ran out of things to talk about yet, and that is rare for me as well. I hope we continue to talk. And that I am not a creepy lesbian, typing all this about a girl I have only texted for a week lol. Because this is unlike me! But what she brings out in me? Different. And I gotta go along with what happens that is not the humdrum of everyday life.

I will try to keep you updated, but by my posts I am obviously bad at keeping that promise!