When is it time to say ENOUGH is enough?

     Everyone has those days where they want to quietly crawl back into bed, and hope today just turns into tomorrow. There is not one person that doesn't have bad days, it's called life. But when is the real "breaking point" when one needs to say "enough is ENOUGH" and start to make some drastic changes? I'm sorry to say there is no definite answer. Everyone has there limits, and when the limits reach the point of cracking, that's usually when the person has to stop putting off the thinking they don't want to do and take some action. Rule of thumb, you are the only one who can make the changes for YOUR life. No one else can. People can try to control you, but they can't live your life. Start a different path if needed. 

     Lately, my life has been quite the ordeal. From my grandpa pretty much on his death bed, to a new job, to college classes, and to a roommate that doesn't seem to want to help out much, trying to balance this all has been easier said than done. I am 20 years old, and I am coming to the end of my younger years where you are supposed to "live it up, have fun and enjoy yourself." Now I am living some real life realities, living in my own place, paying bills, ya know, the simple "joys" of adulthood. But are you supposed to be THIS stressed all the time? Will have to say thank goodness I finally found myself a decent job, so once I start getting paid I won't have to worry about money as much :) But, everything else seems to be caving in a bit. From not getting enough sleep, to worrying about family, to missing my last semester of classes to trying to keep things kept up at home so I can live in a clean environment. I have been trying awfully hard to balance it all, but there comes a time when changes need to take place, when you start to hit the "fed up wall". I feel like I am turning into a slightly different person with new responsibilities on my plate, which I like and dislike. The people who I always do SO much for are disliking me more, because I am starting to look out for myself more and more. And the side of me that is within that I know needs to stand up for herself more has been present more frequently, and she is getting more violent lol. 

     Everyone reaches multiple "cracking" points before hitting the wall and breaking it down. As I watch the bricks of my very sturdy wall start to crumble, it is only a matter of short time before it comes tumbling down. Major changes and things going on? Moving, quitting, starting over, getting over feelings, mourning, thinking about the future, just to name a few. Trying to decide which ones are best for my near future? Hard. But needs to start taking immediate place. 

     I have learned over the years not to plan too far ahead, for a lot can happen in a day, week and month's time. I am waiting patiently to see how things unfold. I am keeping positive thoughts and hoping for the best :)  That is all I can do. 

Learning the Small Town World of Law

     Living in Western Kansas out in the boondocks my entire life, jobs are few and far between. Growing up, I had random odd jobs such as babysitting, cleaning neighbors houses. Then I moved up to a position helping out at our small town grocery store in the "big city" of Gove. Then I got the chance to work for some great people cleaning a feedlot office. Now these were definitely not extravagant jobs, but they got me the money I needed. I've had numerous jobs over my college years, from research center farm help to front end supervisor at Dillons. All of them have taught me good and bad things, but I never truly WANTED to got to work, I kinda just had to because I had bills to pay.

     Being unemployed for almost 2 months,  I decided to reach out to other job opportunities besides Colby. Oakley was the next best bet, and heading to the one place that I've always remembered in Oakley ever since I was little, the Vet's Office, I wasn't expecting to also be getting an application from the police department as well that day. I just so happened to be texting one of my good friends that works there beforehand. She was flustered, due to the fact one of her coworkers had resigned and they were already shorthanded as it was. So I decided why not? And got an application from a man I would soon be learning is my boss/captain at the department. Not gonna lie, going into the building and leaving with an application from a POLICE department was scary and intimidating, and I second guessed several times on even filling it out. I said to myself, who knows, right? Give it a shot!

    It was mere days and I was sitting in the middle of this huge, intimidating table with three guys in uniform, asking me random questions. Walking out I actually wasn't for sure if I even had a chance. I mean, a small town girl with random jobs under her belt, why would they give ME a chance at something like dispatching or communicating for the surrounding community? I started to drive away and literally ten minutes passed from time of interview to getting the phone call to come back down to the station. I had gotten the job! A nervous feeling filled my entire body, and I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into. I was already starting to doubt myself.

     My first day of training, Sunday January 21 was filled with chit chat from a girl that had been dispatching there for 3 years. She was actually a girl I had known a majority of my life, we had rode the school bus together for years back in my grade school days. Getting to see her in this environment was defiantly a change lol. Second day came and went by quickly, my friend who had told me about the job training me on maps, 10 codes and a lot of other details. Third day, being on the radio, and my friend letting me on the computers already because I was so curious :)

    Having two days off now to reflect, I think I am going to like this job. Yes, I will admit my brain has literally HURT going to bed after my shifts, but my curiosity doesn't seem to want to stop. I wish the brain had the compacity to learn EVERYTHING all at once and retain in. But since that is not possible for me, I am learning a bit at a time. I am one of the detail people, and I seem to retain the details in this job more and hope all the puzzle pieces match up into the big picture soon. Knowing I will be learning and hands on learning is something I actually look forward to, and I haven't complained once about being there till midnight :)

     Just knowing I am going and developing myself in a field of law, being able to help those in the community and doing something this important is awesome to me. My curiosity hasn't been this spiked in YEARS, feels like my brain is a whole new world :) I hope that the next few weeks go good and that I continue to retain all this information...daunting my good thus far! Learning this job? I never thought I would get an opportunity like this! It's a good feeling!

   

It's 2013?!

     Well first of all, Happy 2013! I am about 20 days late on writing my post I intended to write for the new year. SO my bad! :) A lot has gone on since I last wrote in the beginning of November. Job status, my first ticket, new apartment, bringing feelings back to life for a crush I had on yet another friend, getting in touch with a few people I never thought I would be real close with..yeah, a good/rough start to 2013!

     I still can't believe how fast 2012 went by, it's amazing to look back to everything that happened, and put together EVERYTHING that went on within ONE year..it's riDONKulous lol. Even though there is quite a bit that occured I am not totally proud of, I left 2012 in my past with a clear conscience. I believe that is the right way to end a year, accepting everything, learning from it all, and moving forward.

     I still don't get all the hype that comes with the start of a new year. People make ridiculous New Year Resolutions, stick to em for a day to two weeks or so, and then go back to their usual routine. Not saying some really stick with their goals, but we all know how we are. Besides the fact that people mainly make their resolutions on physical aspects of themselves, weight loss being a popular pick.

     I think as the year comes to a close, we should reflect on everything good, bad and ugly that happened that year. I know it's cliche, but MAKE A LIST! If you truly ponder on the happenings within your year, you will get a total and more accurate overview. Write down things you weren't proud of. Write down things you succeeded at, goals you achieved, things left undone. Then make a list of goals you want to accomplish. Sure, make resolutions to better your physical appearance, just make sure it's an attainable goal. But don't make all your resolutions about outside appearance. You can't be pretty on the outside if you're not on the inside, that's where beauty really bestows itself! Just saying...

Random Thoughts.. :) :( :/ O_o

It is 1 AM and here I am, tired but wanting to just write some random ass things out. A LOT has happened within the last month, good and bad. Death, mending recently broken friendships, accepting, being accepted, heart to hearts I thought I would never have, getting to know people on even deeper levels, getting to know the ones I love even more than I ever have, trying to make right decisions for myself.

 

I FINALLY told my mom about me and my sexuality. No one understands that after more than a decade of curiosity and trying to accept myself just HOW much courage it took to finally tell her. I wish it would've been in person instead of over the phone, but then again I wouldn't change our convo :) It was honestly the closest convo I have ever had with my mother, which our relationship isn't THAT close to begin with. I know she is there for me, but to tell her something so personal was like lifting a huge boulder that had been gaining weight for years off my shoulders. Have I told her everything? Pfft no. Probably never will. By far those were the worst butterflies I have ever had. Will never quite forget that feeling...

 

This month I finally got over the biggest crush I have ever had on another individual, and I am on a great track to fixing the friendships that were shaken over the whole ordeal. My best friend and I's relationship is beginning to become stronger than ever, and I am happy that she is in a relationship with a girl that I hope will treat her that way she deserves :) It's a great feeling, knowing the drama can be uplifted. She has no idea how happy I am for her, and I know she is still wary of what to tell me. I will let her figure it out on her own that I am happily over everything ;) It's all a work in progress, and I am starting to accept that everything in life is...

 

A hard subject, death. Notice how depressing and death both start with D? Yeah... :( In the last couple months I've had three friends pass away. Two fairly close ones. How have I coped? I haven't totally to be very honest. I haven't had time, that is totally my excuse! And it's the truth. I mean, your teenage/early twenties are supposed to be kinda insane, but jeesh! o_O I just try to live each day knowing they are up in Heaven somewhere watching all of the ones they loved and cared about. I wish I could've done more to help the one who took his life too soon. And accidents happen for a reason, even at inconvenient times. I am not a very religious person by any means, but I believe God had a special purpose for Zayden, and his mission was over on Earth. Corey? I wish you could've seen the path that you had laid out for you. A musical talent unlike any other, and an attitude worth envying over. You let people's opinions get a hold of you, and I am sorry you passed that way. I <3 you both, you will be forever in my heart. (And this sounds sappy Corey, but in your memory I am going to try to play a part in TWLOHA. That's the very least you deserve for your kind hearted spirit we all had the greatness of sharing while you were with us) I will keep all the good memories in my head to remember, as I try to filter out the bad.

 

My grandfather has been ill as well, but I got to see another side of death, an outside look on family mourning. It's hard seeing this side, as you see an entire family, my best friends family, who I've grown to love, united by this one person in pain mourning. That hospital visit was one of the hardest, seeing her little sisters, seeing her mom and step dad, sad as I have ever seen them. Their grandpa just passed this last week. Granted I didn't know him well, but he was there every time I came with her to visit their family. I could see and I know he had a grand affect on his grandchildren. He was one of the most kind spirited people I have ever met, a very gentle man. I wish him the best in Heaven, where he will no longer be in pain and can watch over everyone at once :)

 

A work in progress is myself. I am starting to work on a better side of me, a positive, more verbal, side of me that has always been there but needs loving and tender care. Am I afraid? Yes, to get hurt. But I am going to try to bury the past, to only use it as an example, and not let it affect the opportunities I might have in my future.

 

I am scared for 6 months from now, when the trees go back to full bloom and summer time is once upon us. School and college life have taken up the last 16 years of my life, and yet I STILL do not know what I want to do with my life. I am lost in this, and honestly it's depressing. I hope opportunities that rise will lead me in the right direction, one can only hope right? I just hope I can stay in contact with all the amazing people I have met and who have affected my life in such ways that they will never know.

 

By next week something else major in my life could happen, am I prepared? Probably not. Even though the last year has been pretty crazy, I wouldn't wanna take any of it back, even the really bad parts. A wise friend recently told me, "you have to have bad to respect the good that comes in. You have to deal with the darkness to create, see and live the light." Now THATS advice that I am gonna try to use in my everyday life. Some days will be better than others, but it's what you make of every situation that matters. You never know when things could change, so I have been trying not to plan so far ahead ;) Thanks October! November, don't be so harsh on me, thanks :) But then again, deeply and truly, thank you.

Broken but Mending

     I am a girl with a broken heart, a stabbed back and a few mental problems, I am kinda crazy ;) No, but really, it has taken me years to mend some of the slashes my heart has endured over my short 20 years. The walls that have been put up because of the slashes to my heart are still strong, and I am grateful to have met a handful of people who have managed to knock some of the bricks down from this heavily built wall. I don't open up to people easily, I don't trust easily, I don't love easily, I don't feel easily because I am afraid of the hurt that comes along with those things, I almost tend to view it as unneeded baggage. Funny thing is it hasn't made me any less caring or compassionate to those that I care about and that are close to me. I tend to care way too much and this is where I usually tend to get hurt. Cause I have found with a lot of caring and giving to others comes disappointment, disappointment due to not getting barely giving back. Disappointment in the fact that people always take things for granted.

     It seems to be a consistent pattern. Every time I get feelings for people I am either hurt, played or let down in some form or another. In my book? People are overrated, at least that's how it seems in this stage of my life. Sounds harsh? Yes, I know it does. Especially since I am a human being who makes mistakes just like everyone else. Feelings are overrated this day in age. Over half of the relationships started never turn out. There comes a time in each of our lives though that I believe we get sick of everyone around us. And it comes a point when it's too much to handle. Maybe it's not just a one-time stage, cause this has happened a lot to me in my lifetime. I have been verbally, physically and emotionally abused throughout many times in my life. I believe it is all about ATTITUDE. You can have the attitude to take situations positively or negatively. You can make the best out of the situations life throws at you, or you can dig yourself a hole and never come out.

     We all have bad days, you just have to remember it's a bad day and not the rest of your life. I sometimes have a hard time thinking in a positive light, it's a fault of mine. It just sucks when you get yourself to that positive outlook and then BAM something else happens, something else goes wrong and ruins it. I've learned life goes on, and all you can really do is pick yourself up off the ground and dust yourself off and continue on the path where your headed.

?

     Why a question mark for the title of this post? Because that's exactly what this post is to me in my life, a big fat question. I have known from the very young age of seven I didn't quite think like everyone else sexuality wise. 

     Will be honest, I don't know exactly who I am when it comes to this subject, and it's a difficult one for me to talk about. I try not to think about it much, due to the fact there are so many in my life against it. One day though, there will be a time that I know I will have to break outta this shell and tell more people. There are only a couple people in my life that truly know about this part of my life. There is only one person that truly knows EVERYTHING though, and that is me. I haven't found it within myself  to tell someone all the things that have brought me to this point in my life with my sexuality. I hope one day to be brave enough to do so.

     Being involved in a couple iffy relationships with girls has put the gay lifestyle into a slight perspective for me. Some aspects were a lot easier than when I was in relationships with guys, on the other hand being in that kind of relationship it seems to be made up of a lot of secrets and drama, and that just didn't make it very enjoyable in the long run, and actually caused many problems. Including mental and emotional problems I still haven't gotten quite over. One piece of advice for all the girls that think or know they are gay, NEVER get feelings for your friends or get involved with close friends in "that" way, relationship wise. It doesn't end well. Now I'm not saying that you will never get crushes on certain friends, but never get too attached to that feeling, cut it off before you hurt yourself over it. 

     Through the past relationships and feelings I have developed for people of the same sex, I have learned many things about myself, as well as how to handle certain situations better. Do I still have strings attaching me to some of the feeling I had for these girls? Won't deny it, I think I will always have slight feelings for them in the back of my mind, I think everyone does for each and every person they have liked or loved. There will always be that connection there. 

     My most recent connection with a girl was with a friend I've had since my freshman year of college. We lost contact last year, but this year we started talking again. What's weird is that I had never had feelings for her whatsoever before, and it hit me all of a sudden after we had started talking again for awhile. Felt a sense of comfort, like someone actually cared and understood me. And even though we hadn't talked in literally months, it was no time at all that we were caught up and getting to know one another even better. The crush eventually turned into feelings, and I liked her more and more, and I thought she liked me too, even though I didn't want to believe it. WHO WOULD LIKE THIS? No one, that's always what I told myself. I have always told myself that, every time I look in the mirror. Somehow though, she made me feel pretty, inside and out. She made me feel like a more beautiful person. And I don't think she has ever realized that she affected me in this way. It finally hit me that it was too good to be true when I told her about the feelings I had for her, and she told me she only liked me as a friend, even though she has led me on quite a bit. Again, the feelings of feeling good about myself, feeling beautiful, went away. I am still in the process of getting rid of feelings for her, because I want our friendship to remain after I have fought so hard for it back. Is it hard? DUH. Is it do-able to make em' go away? I hope so. But I have learned from this situation even more so than any of the others, and I am not going to take it for granted. We have started talking again after all the drama that's way too long to explain, and I hope things start to mend between us. :) 

     I find the way that people perceive gays, lesbians and bisexuals is wrong. I have heard numerous, some very outrageous things about how people look at the gay community. Some think we are all out to go against the "natural" and "right" ways of God, that we are not human but alien in the fact that it's totally "not normal" for girls to like girls and guys to like guys. Who CARES? Seriously. A man and woman can be happy with one another and can get a marriage license easily if they want to do so. For gays? Only a small number of states allow gay marriage. (And what I find completely ironic and kinda funny? The majority of the marriages that last the longest are within the gay community.) We are all human and want to feel wanted and loved. When we find that one person who lifts us up, makes us smile, makes us want to live life even more so, why not? Because many of us are close-minded. Because some believe and live by the "ways of the Lord", which people believe in turn is the only right way. It's very sad, that not more of us as human beings can be accepting of the happiness people are feeling around us. That we live by these "rules" laid down by the majority of the population. 

     Now, I'm not saying God's ways are wrong, but I personally do not believe in Him when it comes to sexuality. I believe that if He created us all, that he is accepting of every being on Earth that he created. That He is proud of His children, no matter who they are. Are stupid laws against being married to the person you want to live the rest of your life with going to stop the gay population? No. The thing most don't get is that by human nature, we are determined. We are strong-willed. When we put our mind to something and really work hard we CAN achieve it. 

     I hope to live to see the day when all 50 of the United States will allow gay marriage for all the happy couples out there. You shouldn't have to fight so hard for love and happiness. Then again, you don't need a piece of paper telling you that you love another being. I just wish the people of the U.S. and the citizens of the world that are against the concept of being gay would open their eyes a little, and put themselves in the shoes of the gay population. I think if each and every one of us are a little more accepting of one another, no matter our sexual orientation, we could all live in a happier, less judgmental place.  

Friends Lost, Friends Found

 

Friendship-a more complicated word than it may seem,

some friendships have a thin line, barely holding two together,

others are as strong as rope,

never ripping, never tearing, under even extreme circumstances.

 

This "rope" endures alot throughout the years,

good and bad,

life and death,

laughter and sadness,

and yes, it rips and tears a bit with time, 

 nothing can totally make you ignore the bad things, feelings you said to one another,

but you let it go, and reroll the rope in the places it has torn.

 

But a rope can only be rerolled so many times before it starts to fray

and lose its strength.

Whatever is pulling the two ends neither of us could seem to change.

And now it is down to a tiny fragment, of just a string,

fighting for life, for forgiveness, for moving on.

One side of the rope pulls harder,

the other starts to give in.

And then she realizes "why am I giving in?"

and pulls harder.

 

Then both pull hard, until the mere little string rips,

sending both sides flying in opposite directions.

Will they ever be able to make a new rope?

 

Does time really heal all pain?

How much time?

Will their ever be another rope between us two again.

I miss us already....

 

But hopefully like I

you have other friends who are as close as family,

who will lend you their rope to hold on through  rough times such as these,  

you shall get through,

no matter if there doesnt seem to be an end,

you know there are others that care about you

as much as they care about themselves,

because that family is there through thick and thin

to give you the strength you may need to get through...

 

But the great thing about life is, it brings us more ropes to be able to pull,

more to weather to times.

Yes, it may take a time to know just how to pull another rope.

But once you start to know a new person,

spend time, talk, laugh...

you forget about the torn ropes of the past

and start anew, but never leaving memories behind,

because like a wise friends once told me,

the past events in your life build you up and down,

but you cant live without having lived those moments,

no matter how bad they may have been.

 

Time moves on, you may see your old friends face,

you dont hold a grudge,

you smile,

because she made you realize many things in life while your rope was still together,

and you always hold a small remnent of that rope EVERYWHERE you go...