A Roller Coaster of a Month

     A LOT has happened since the last time I have posted. Saying it has been slightly overwhelming is an understatement. These last two weeks have defintley been perfectly described by the phrase "when it rains, it pours." I think we all have to have mentally, physically and emotionally drained at many times in our life to appreciate what is going good and what we have to grasp onto that never leaves. In this last month I know on a better level of who cares about me and who I can honestly trust with anything. 

     To wrap up my random last post, me and the girl I liked more than any crush I have ever had in my life, talked things out, and it led to me being hurt, yet again. But on a different level. For she decided to cut whatever you wanna call what we had off, because she couldn't live with any more guilt of hurting another person in her life with her relationship games, as I like to call them. I am grateful she spared me. Yet, I am still hurt in the fact she has fallen for another, a person who I know I am better than. It is hard to see someone fall for another when you know, or at least like to think, deserve better. I know I could have been a better girlfriend than the girl she is after, but moving on is my only choice, so we can at least still be good friends. I will never forget that solid feeling I had of KNOWING what I wanted. And I will also not forget the replayed over and over feeling of never getting what one really wants deep down. 

     Health is something that all of us healthy people take for granted, but when it is all of a sudden out of nowhere jeopardized, that is when one is wary. My health, mental and physical has gone down this month, maybe from stress, but I have yet to get a straight answer. Doctors are overrated lol. In a short note I hope things start to get back to normal again for me in that part of my life :) 

     We buried my grandpa, "Grampy" yesterday. I hate funerals. I guess I don't think anyone really likes funerals, but I always take them harder than I think I am naturally supposed to. Even after he had been sick for almost three years, it still hasn't quite hit me that he is gone and watching over us. Hearing the knots int he voices of those in my family that usually cause the most laughter was the most difficult, literally seeing the hurt and missing of their father. It was lovely and to the point, which is how my grandpa would have wanted it. I am just happy he can sing, dance and thrive without being in pain and without all the suffering in his disabled body. At every funeral I think, "what would it be like to look down upon your own funeral? Who would be there? Who would speak? Who would cry? Where do I go from there? Is everything they say about heaven and hell true?" I hope it will be a long time before I have to find that out, and before I get to hug my grandfather above the clouds. He will be waiting, and that is what puts a smile on my face :) 

     I hope things continue to get back to normal, and that my mind settles down mentally more and more by day. This was a rambling post, I apologize. lol. Hopefully next February won't be so harsh! Made me stronger, and I thank everyone and everything for that thus far. 

Bad Butterflies

     It's funny, that the things in life that affect us the most are the things we cannot physically touch. Feelings take over us, in ways that are unexplained. When we get feelings for a certain someone, you feel on top of the world. You tend to see everything around you differently, like never before.

     There are a lot of feelings that are HARD to explain for many of us, but if we find the way to open up to one another that is when we get to know one another as human beings even better. Feelings, being complex as they are, are very relatable to us humans, for we experience much of the same things. Feeling connected to another in a unique way is a good feeling, and you don't just want to let that go...

    But what happens when you wait to long, are too nervous, hold back, and never really get a chance to say how you feel? What happens when you get the courage to tell that one person everything you have felt for them for so long, and the day you are gonna spill your guts you find out that they are talking to someone else? Uhm...yeah, in this situation right now. I am nervous as hell, and not so good butterflies are eating me alive as I write this. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I just honestly DON'T KNOW...I am writing to help calm my nerves but it is not helping much. I don't know what is going to come out of this conversation. I am expecting the worst. I am expecting to be rejected. It's what I always expect. Don't get me wrong, there is still a small shining light in there somewhere, saying BE HOPEFUL! But at this point in time with everything in my life it is honestly not very bright. It is dim, and ready to go out. This will be one day that I write two posts in one day....will let you know how this talk went! Trying to be hopeful but don't wanna be too hopeful...

When is it time to say ENOUGH is enough?

     Everyone has those days where they want to quietly crawl back into bed, and hope today just turns into tomorrow. There is not one person that doesn't have bad days, it's called life. But when is the real "breaking point" when one needs to say "enough is ENOUGH" and start to make some drastic changes? I'm sorry to say there is no definite answer. Everyone has there limits, and when the limits reach the point of cracking, that's usually when the person has to stop putting off the thinking they don't want to do and take some action. Rule of thumb, you are the only one who can make the changes for YOUR life. No one else can. People can try to control you, but they can't live your life. Start a different path if needed. 

     Lately, my life has been quite the ordeal. From my grandpa pretty much on his death bed, to a new job, to college classes, and to a roommate that doesn't seem to want to help out much, trying to balance this all has been easier said than done. I am 20 years old, and I am coming to the end of my younger years where you are supposed to "live it up, have fun and enjoy yourself." Now I am living some real life realities, living in my own place, paying bills, ya know, the simple "joys" of adulthood. But are you supposed to be THIS stressed all the time? Will have to say thank goodness I finally found myself a decent job, so once I start getting paid I won't have to worry about money as much :) But, everything else seems to be caving in a bit. From not getting enough sleep, to worrying about family, to missing my last semester of classes to trying to keep things kept up at home so I can live in a clean environment. I have been trying awfully hard to balance it all, but there comes a time when changes need to take place, when you start to hit the "fed up wall". I feel like I am turning into a slightly different person with new responsibilities on my plate, which I like and dislike. The people who I always do SO much for are disliking me more, because I am starting to look out for myself more and more. And the side of me that is within that I know needs to stand up for herself more has been present more frequently, and she is getting more violent lol. 

     Everyone reaches multiple "cracking" points before hitting the wall and breaking it down. As I watch the bricks of my very sturdy wall start to crumble, it is only a matter of short time before it comes tumbling down. Major changes and things going on? Moving, quitting, starting over, getting over feelings, mourning, thinking about the future, just to name a few. Trying to decide which ones are best for my near future? Hard. But needs to start taking immediate place. 

     I have learned over the years not to plan too far ahead, for a lot can happen in a day, week and month's time. I am waiting patiently to see how things unfold. I am keeping positive thoughts and hoping for the best :)  That is all I can do. 

Learning the Small Town World of Law

     Living in Western Kansas out in the boondocks my entire life, jobs are few and far between. Growing up, I had random odd jobs such as babysitting, cleaning neighbors houses. Then I moved up to a position helping out at our small town grocery store in the "big city" of Gove. Then I got the chance to work for some great people cleaning a feedlot office. Now these were definitely not extravagant jobs, but they got me the money I needed. I've had numerous jobs over my college years, from research center farm help to front end supervisor at Dillons. All of them have taught me good and bad things, but I never truly WANTED to got to work, I kinda just had to because I had bills to pay.

     Being unemployed for almost 2 months,  I decided to reach out to other job opportunities besides Colby. Oakley was the next best bet, and heading to the one place that I've always remembered in Oakley ever since I was little, the Vet's Office, I wasn't expecting to also be getting an application from the police department as well that day. I just so happened to be texting one of my good friends that works there beforehand. She was flustered, due to the fact one of her coworkers had resigned and they were already shorthanded as it was. So I decided why not? And got an application from a man I would soon be learning is my boss/captain at the department. Not gonna lie, going into the building and leaving with an application from a POLICE department was scary and intimidating, and I second guessed several times on even filling it out. I said to myself, who knows, right? Give it a shot!

    It was mere days and I was sitting in the middle of this huge, intimidating table with three guys in uniform, asking me random questions. Walking out I actually wasn't for sure if I even had a chance. I mean, a small town girl with random jobs under her belt, why would they give ME a chance at something like dispatching or communicating for the surrounding community? I started to drive away and literally ten minutes passed from time of interview to getting the phone call to come back down to the station. I had gotten the job! A nervous feeling filled my entire body, and I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into. I was already starting to doubt myself.

     My first day of training, Sunday January 21 was filled with chit chat from a girl that had been dispatching there for 3 years. She was actually a girl I had known a majority of my life, we had rode the school bus together for years back in my grade school days. Getting to see her in this environment was defiantly a change lol. Second day came and went by quickly, my friend who had told me about the job training me on maps, 10 codes and a lot of other details. Third day, being on the radio, and my friend letting me on the computers already because I was so curious :)

    Having two days off now to reflect, I think I am going to like this job. Yes, I will admit my brain has literally HURT going to bed after my shifts, but my curiosity doesn't seem to want to stop. I wish the brain had the compacity to learn EVERYTHING all at once and retain in. But since that is not possible for me, I am learning a bit at a time. I am one of the detail people, and I seem to retain the details in this job more and hope all the puzzle pieces match up into the big picture soon. Knowing I will be learning and hands on learning is something I actually look forward to, and I haven't complained once about being there till midnight :)

     Just knowing I am going and developing myself in a field of law, being able to help those in the community and doing something this important is awesome to me. My curiosity hasn't been this spiked in YEARS, feels like my brain is a whole new world :) I hope that the next few weeks go good and that I continue to retain all this information...daunting my good thus far! Learning this job? I never thought I would get an opportunity like this! It's a good feeling!

   

It's 2013?!

     Well first of all, Happy 2013! I am about 20 days late on writing my post I intended to write for the new year. SO my bad! :) A lot has gone on since I last wrote in the beginning of November. Job status, my first ticket, new apartment, bringing feelings back to life for a crush I had on yet another friend, getting in touch with a few people I never thought I would be real close with..yeah, a good/rough start to 2013!

     I still can't believe how fast 2012 went by, it's amazing to look back to everything that happened, and put together EVERYTHING that went on within ONE year..it's riDONKulous lol. Even though there is quite a bit that occured I am not totally proud of, I left 2012 in my past with a clear conscience. I believe that is the right way to end a year, accepting everything, learning from it all, and moving forward.

     I still don't get all the hype that comes with the start of a new year. People make ridiculous New Year Resolutions, stick to em for a day to two weeks or so, and then go back to their usual routine. Not saying some really stick with their goals, but we all know how we are. Besides the fact that people mainly make their resolutions on physical aspects of themselves, weight loss being a popular pick.

     I think as the year comes to a close, we should reflect on everything good, bad and ugly that happened that year. I know it's cliche, but MAKE A LIST! If you truly ponder on the happenings within your year, you will get a total and more accurate overview. Write down things you weren't proud of. Write down things you succeeded at, goals you achieved, things left undone. Then make a list of goals you want to accomplish. Sure, make resolutions to better your physical appearance, just make sure it's an attainable goal. But don't make all your resolutions about outside appearance. You can't be pretty on the outside if you're not on the inside, that's where beauty really bestows itself! Just saying...

Random Thoughts.. :) :( :/ O_o

It is 1 AM and here I am, tired but wanting to just write some random ass things out. A LOT has happened within the last month, good and bad. Death, mending recently broken friendships, accepting, being accepted, heart to hearts I thought I would never have, getting to know people on even deeper levels, getting to know the ones I love even more than I ever have, trying to make right decisions for myself.

 

I FINALLY told my mom about me and my sexuality. No one understands that after more than a decade of curiosity and trying to accept myself just HOW much courage it took to finally tell her. I wish it would've been in person instead of over the phone, but then again I wouldn't change our convo :) It was honestly the closest convo I have ever had with my mother, which our relationship isn't THAT close to begin with. I know she is there for me, but to tell her something so personal was like lifting a huge boulder that had been gaining weight for years off my shoulders. Have I told her everything? Pfft no. Probably never will. By far those were the worst butterflies I have ever had. Will never quite forget that feeling...

 

This month I finally got over the biggest crush I have ever had on another individual, and I am on a great track to fixing the friendships that were shaken over the whole ordeal. My best friend and I's relationship is beginning to become stronger than ever, and I am happy that she is in a relationship with a girl that I hope will treat her that way she deserves :) It's a great feeling, knowing the drama can be uplifted. She has no idea how happy I am for her, and I know she is still wary of what to tell me. I will let her figure it out on her own that I am happily over everything ;) It's all a work in progress, and I am starting to accept that everything in life is...

 

A hard subject, death. Notice how depressing and death both start with D? Yeah... :( In the last couple months I've had three friends pass away. Two fairly close ones. How have I coped? I haven't totally to be very honest. I haven't had time, that is totally my excuse! And it's the truth. I mean, your teenage/early twenties are supposed to be kinda insane, but jeesh! o_O I just try to live each day knowing they are up in Heaven somewhere watching all of the ones they loved and cared about. I wish I could've done more to help the one who took his life too soon. And accidents happen for a reason, even at inconvenient times. I am not a very religious person by any means, but I believe God had a special purpose for Zayden, and his mission was over on Earth. Corey? I wish you could've seen the path that you had laid out for you. A musical talent unlike any other, and an attitude worth envying over. You let people's opinions get a hold of you, and I am sorry you passed that way. I <3 you both, you will be forever in my heart. (And this sounds sappy Corey, but in your memory I am going to try to play a part in TWLOHA. That's the very least you deserve for your kind hearted spirit we all had the greatness of sharing while you were with us) I will keep all the good memories in my head to remember, as I try to filter out the bad.

 

My grandfather has been ill as well, but I got to see another side of death, an outside look on family mourning. It's hard seeing this side, as you see an entire family, my best friends family, who I've grown to love, united by this one person in pain mourning. That hospital visit was one of the hardest, seeing her little sisters, seeing her mom and step dad, sad as I have ever seen them. Their grandpa just passed this last week. Granted I didn't know him well, but he was there every time I came with her to visit their family. I could see and I know he had a grand affect on his grandchildren. He was one of the most kind spirited people I have ever met, a very gentle man. I wish him the best in Heaven, where he will no longer be in pain and can watch over everyone at once :)

 

A work in progress is myself. I am starting to work on a better side of me, a positive, more verbal, side of me that has always been there but needs loving and tender care. Am I afraid? Yes, to get hurt. But I am going to try to bury the past, to only use it as an example, and not let it affect the opportunities I might have in my future.

 

I am scared for 6 months from now, when the trees go back to full bloom and summer time is once upon us. School and college life have taken up the last 16 years of my life, and yet I STILL do not know what I want to do with my life. I am lost in this, and honestly it's depressing. I hope opportunities that rise will lead me in the right direction, one can only hope right? I just hope I can stay in contact with all the amazing people I have met and who have affected my life in such ways that they will never know.

 

By next week something else major in my life could happen, am I prepared? Probably not. Even though the last year has been pretty crazy, I wouldn't wanna take any of it back, even the really bad parts. A wise friend recently told me, "you have to have bad to respect the good that comes in. You have to deal with the darkness to create, see and live the light." Now THATS advice that I am gonna try to use in my everyday life. Some days will be better than others, but it's what you make of every situation that matters. You never know when things could change, so I have been trying not to plan so far ahead ;) Thanks October! November, don't be so harsh on me, thanks :) But then again, deeply and truly, thank you.

Broken but Mending

     I am a girl with a broken heart, a stabbed back and a few mental problems, I am kinda crazy ;) No, but really, it has taken me years to mend some of the slashes my heart has endured over my short 20 years. The walls that have been put up because of the slashes to my heart are still strong, and I am grateful to have met a handful of people who have managed to knock some of the bricks down from this heavily built wall. I don't open up to people easily, I don't trust easily, I don't love easily, I don't feel easily because I am afraid of the hurt that comes along with those things, I almost tend to view it as unneeded baggage. Funny thing is it hasn't made me any less caring or compassionate to those that I care about and that are close to me. I tend to care way too much and this is where I usually tend to get hurt. Cause I have found with a lot of caring and giving to others comes disappointment, disappointment due to not getting barely giving back. Disappointment in the fact that people always take things for granted.

     It seems to be a consistent pattern. Every time I get feelings for people I am either hurt, played or let down in some form or another. In my book? People are overrated, at least that's how it seems in this stage of my life. Sounds harsh? Yes, I know it does. Especially since I am a human being who makes mistakes just like everyone else. Feelings are overrated this day in age. Over half of the relationships started never turn out. There comes a time in each of our lives though that I believe we get sick of everyone around us. And it comes a point when it's too much to handle. Maybe it's not just a one-time stage, cause this has happened a lot to me in my lifetime. I have been verbally, physically and emotionally abused throughout many times in my life. I believe it is all about ATTITUDE. You can have the attitude to take situations positively or negatively. You can make the best out of the situations life throws at you, or you can dig yourself a hole and never come out.

     We all have bad days, you just have to remember it's a bad day and not the rest of your life. I sometimes have a hard time thinking in a positive light, it's a fault of mine. It just sucks when you get yourself to that positive outlook and then BAM something else happens, something else goes wrong and ruins it. I've learned life goes on, and all you can really do is pick yourself up off the ground and dust yourself off and continue on the path where your headed.