Independent vs. Dependent. The Ways We Are..

     One of the things that I have been pondering about lately is how do we become SO dependent on others for happiness in our lives? I will tell you I categorize myself as a highly independent individual. People? Unreliable 85% of the time. So I believe that being dependent on others is a waste of my time. But then again, I sometimes think back to the movie I Am Legend, where one man and his dog are by themselves, trying to survive in a world with literally no one, just the objects, buildings, roads, and other man made things that we left behind. Thinking about how he felt, having no family, friends and other people even around would be a harsh world. Having no one to bounce ideas, feelings and thoughts off of is a deep, incredibly frightening thought. So does this make ME dependent on people as well? Yes, I suppose it does. Even complete strangers help you daily to get you through simple tasks, such as filling out your taxes, checking out your groceries, helping you with random questions that might come up. One person can't have the knowledge of the entire world. It is not possible.

     But how does one feel when the strangers they have grown to know and love shatter your trust into a million pieces? What happens when you begin not to trust any other person, even family members? You know they mean the best, but sometimes you wonder if they are hiding stuff as well. All you learn to trust is yourself, and when that starts to become iffy? What do you do? You begin to wonder if you are the person you really want to be, if you are where you're supposed to be, if you're on the right path whatsoever. You begin to question literally EVERYTHING about yourself. That is where I am now. After the last few months, I am trying and actually succeeding at keeping all those questionable thoughts to the back of my mind. But when they come to haunt me? It hurts. Feel like it's a curse, but I am dealing with each question one day at a time. And one of the #1 sayings you hear, some questions can't be answered.

    Another thing that is ANNOYING that I am also learning more each day to manage is the fact that people can be so hypocritical. Us humans I have come to the conclusion like to complain about the dumbest stuff. I am guilty of it to. I feel like we always want people to feel sorry for us, so we can't live the whole day without something bothering us. It gives us something to talk about, when someone pisses us off or does something wrong. If I went an entire week without hearing it from someone, that would be the week to write up in the book of records. We work in mysterious ways, we are genuinely complicated beings. We can be hella confusing as well. Which makes you trust even yourself a little bit less.

    Anyways, enough with my slight venting session. Just felt the need to write :)

    

How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?

     First answer, "The world may never know.." ;) Classic. But really though, sitting here at work, grateful that sitting in this chair I am separated from the rest if the world by brick walls and glass, I am eating a tootsie pop, and realized that it would be a perfect metaphor to how the drama in my life has been playing out. The center in this post represents my last and final straw. Now, think of the hard candy part of a sucker. Tough, hard to chew, takes a while to crack, right? Well, I view the candy coating as the hard shell I try to hold for everyone, including myself. I don't like to see or view this coating as "crackable". For it is the part people, being the tootsie pop, want to enjoy the most. Maybe except for those controversary chocolate lovers, who crunch their way through the coating. That aspect put aside, there is a time that the coating cracks after so many "licks". In this metaphor licks are slaps to the face by reality, shit that happens, etc. So life in general lol.

     The biggest blows to this outer shell is when trust is broken. When one crack appears it is there forever. You can't go back and totally cover it up. You can let it mend, but the scar is still there. And in time that person who broke your trust may one day be forgiven. But I don't think one can ever look into the eyes of the once untrusting and totally believe. But that is when love steps in. We are human. We all make mistakes. And in those mistakes lies are mixed in. And sometimes lies are necessary to live peacefully among those, which is impossible, but we try to view as nothing is impossible, right?

     The more the tootsie pop is consumed by life, the smaller it gets. I believe this represents being torn down, and letting things get to you. The "breaking point" is when there is no candy left, but the soft, delicious gooiness of the chocolate center. I picture this being the best part of a person. The heart. The sweet section that I like to think is in us all, if you will. But being soft, that part is venerable. Without some kind of coating, it will break down to nothing but the candy stick that holds everything together. I view the stick the mere "essence" we need to keep going.

     Once we start to get the situations that broke our coating down figured out, once we learn from them a bit, I view as the stick and the middle to go back to a factory setting, for the coating to be recreated. This is a rebuild period, and in a real life perspective, this takes time. Months, even years. It more than likely will never be as strong as the once naïve, trusting you once had. The remnants of those cracks will be the weaknesses in the new shell. But once you start to rebuild you start to feel better.

    That is the stage I am in right now. I am rebuilding. I am revising. Trying to make this new shell stronger in the places where it was weak. I hope my metaphor didn't bore you, but being in a creative mood decided to give the tootsie pop idea a go :) I hope everyone never has to know what blows to the weak, venerable center has to feel like. It is painful. And it makes the motivation of rebuilding the shell of protection harder as well. If you are in the center stage, don't procrastinate. Review what broke you down. Start learning and making your new shell. We only have so long to live!

A Roller Coaster of a Month

     A LOT has happened since the last time I have posted. Saying it has been slightly overwhelming is an understatement. These last two weeks have defintley been perfectly described by the phrase "when it rains, it pours." I think we all have to have mentally, physically and emotionally drained at many times in our life to appreciate what is going good and what we have to grasp onto that never leaves. In this last month I know on a better level of who cares about me and who I can honestly trust with anything. 

     To wrap up my random last post, me and the girl I liked more than any crush I have ever had in my life, talked things out, and it led to me being hurt, yet again. But on a different level. For she decided to cut whatever you wanna call what we had off, because she couldn't live with any more guilt of hurting another person in her life with her relationship games, as I like to call them. I am grateful she spared me. Yet, I am still hurt in the fact she has fallen for another, a person who I know I am better than. It is hard to see someone fall for another when you know, or at least like to think, deserve better. I know I could have been a better girlfriend than the girl she is after, but moving on is my only choice, so we can at least still be good friends. I will never forget that solid feeling I had of KNOWING what I wanted. And I will also not forget the replayed over and over feeling of never getting what one really wants deep down. 

     Health is something that all of us healthy people take for granted, but when it is all of a sudden out of nowhere jeopardized, that is when one is wary. My health, mental and physical has gone down this month, maybe from stress, but I have yet to get a straight answer. Doctors are overrated lol. In a short note I hope things start to get back to normal again for me in that part of my life :) 

     We buried my grandpa, "Grampy" yesterday. I hate funerals. I guess I don't think anyone really likes funerals, but I always take them harder than I think I am naturally supposed to. Even after he had been sick for almost three years, it still hasn't quite hit me that he is gone and watching over us. Hearing the knots int he voices of those in my family that usually cause the most laughter was the most difficult, literally seeing the hurt and missing of their father. It was lovely and to the point, which is how my grandpa would have wanted it. I am just happy he can sing, dance and thrive without being in pain and without all the suffering in his disabled body. At every funeral I think, "what would it be like to look down upon your own funeral? Who would be there? Who would speak? Who would cry? Where do I go from there? Is everything they say about heaven and hell true?" I hope it will be a long time before I have to find that out, and before I get to hug my grandfather above the clouds. He will be waiting, and that is what puts a smile on my face :) 

     I hope things continue to get back to normal, and that my mind settles down mentally more and more by day. This was a rambling post, I apologize. lol. Hopefully next February won't be so harsh! Made me stronger, and I thank everyone and everything for that thus far. 

Bad Butterflies

     It's funny, that the things in life that affect us the most are the things we cannot physically touch. Feelings take over us, in ways that are unexplained. When we get feelings for a certain someone, you feel on top of the world. You tend to see everything around you differently, like never before.

     There are a lot of feelings that are HARD to explain for many of us, but if we find the way to open up to one another that is when we get to know one another as human beings even better. Feelings, being complex as they are, are very relatable to us humans, for we experience much of the same things. Feeling connected to another in a unique way is a good feeling, and you don't just want to let that go...

    But what happens when you wait to long, are too nervous, hold back, and never really get a chance to say how you feel? What happens when you get the courage to tell that one person everything you have felt for them for so long, and the day you are gonna spill your guts you find out that they are talking to someone else? Uhm...yeah, in this situation right now. I am nervous as hell, and not so good butterflies are eating me alive as I write this. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I just honestly DON'T KNOW...I am writing to help calm my nerves but it is not helping much. I don't know what is going to come out of this conversation. I am expecting the worst. I am expecting to be rejected. It's what I always expect. Don't get me wrong, there is still a small shining light in there somewhere, saying BE HOPEFUL! But at this point in time with everything in my life it is honestly not very bright. It is dim, and ready to go out. This will be one day that I write two posts in one day....will let you know how this talk went! Trying to be hopeful but don't wanna be too hopeful...

When is it time to say ENOUGH is enough?

     Everyone has those days where they want to quietly crawl back into bed, and hope today just turns into tomorrow. There is not one person that doesn't have bad days, it's called life. But when is the real "breaking point" when one needs to say "enough is ENOUGH" and start to make some drastic changes? I'm sorry to say there is no definite answer. Everyone has there limits, and when the limits reach the point of cracking, that's usually when the person has to stop putting off the thinking they don't want to do and take some action. Rule of thumb, you are the only one who can make the changes for YOUR life. No one else can. People can try to control you, but they can't live your life. Start a different path if needed. 

     Lately, my life has been quite the ordeal. From my grandpa pretty much on his death bed, to a new job, to college classes, and to a roommate that doesn't seem to want to help out much, trying to balance this all has been easier said than done. I am 20 years old, and I am coming to the end of my younger years where you are supposed to "live it up, have fun and enjoy yourself." Now I am living some real life realities, living in my own place, paying bills, ya know, the simple "joys" of adulthood. But are you supposed to be THIS stressed all the time? Will have to say thank goodness I finally found myself a decent job, so once I start getting paid I won't have to worry about money as much :) But, everything else seems to be caving in a bit. From not getting enough sleep, to worrying about family, to missing my last semester of classes to trying to keep things kept up at home so I can live in a clean environment. I have been trying awfully hard to balance it all, but there comes a time when changes need to take place, when you start to hit the "fed up wall". I feel like I am turning into a slightly different person with new responsibilities on my plate, which I like and dislike. The people who I always do SO much for are disliking me more, because I am starting to look out for myself more and more. And the side of me that is within that I know needs to stand up for herself more has been present more frequently, and she is getting more violent lol. 

     Everyone reaches multiple "cracking" points before hitting the wall and breaking it down. As I watch the bricks of my very sturdy wall start to crumble, it is only a matter of short time before it comes tumbling down. Major changes and things going on? Moving, quitting, starting over, getting over feelings, mourning, thinking about the future, just to name a few. Trying to decide which ones are best for my near future? Hard. But needs to start taking immediate place. 

     I have learned over the years not to plan too far ahead, for a lot can happen in a day, week and month's time. I am waiting patiently to see how things unfold. I am keeping positive thoughts and hoping for the best :)  That is all I can do. 

Learning the Small Town World of Law

     Living in Western Kansas out in the boondocks my entire life, jobs are few and far between. Growing up, I had random odd jobs such as babysitting, cleaning neighbors houses. Then I moved up to a position helping out at our small town grocery store in the "big city" of Gove. Then I got the chance to work for some great people cleaning a feedlot office. Now these were definitely not extravagant jobs, but they got me the money I needed. I've had numerous jobs over my college years, from research center farm help to front end supervisor at Dillons. All of them have taught me good and bad things, but I never truly WANTED to got to work, I kinda just had to because I had bills to pay.

     Being unemployed for almost 2 months,  I decided to reach out to other job opportunities besides Colby. Oakley was the next best bet, and heading to the one place that I've always remembered in Oakley ever since I was little, the Vet's Office, I wasn't expecting to also be getting an application from the police department as well that day. I just so happened to be texting one of my good friends that works there beforehand. She was flustered, due to the fact one of her coworkers had resigned and they were already shorthanded as it was. So I decided why not? And got an application from a man I would soon be learning is my boss/captain at the department. Not gonna lie, going into the building and leaving with an application from a POLICE department was scary and intimidating, and I second guessed several times on even filling it out. I said to myself, who knows, right? Give it a shot!

    It was mere days and I was sitting in the middle of this huge, intimidating table with three guys in uniform, asking me random questions. Walking out I actually wasn't for sure if I even had a chance. I mean, a small town girl with random jobs under her belt, why would they give ME a chance at something like dispatching or communicating for the surrounding community? I started to drive away and literally ten minutes passed from time of interview to getting the phone call to come back down to the station. I had gotten the job! A nervous feeling filled my entire body, and I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into. I was already starting to doubt myself.

     My first day of training, Sunday January 21 was filled with chit chat from a girl that had been dispatching there for 3 years. She was actually a girl I had known a majority of my life, we had rode the school bus together for years back in my grade school days. Getting to see her in this environment was defiantly a change lol. Second day came and went by quickly, my friend who had told me about the job training me on maps, 10 codes and a lot of other details. Third day, being on the radio, and my friend letting me on the computers already because I was so curious :)

    Having two days off now to reflect, I think I am going to like this job. Yes, I will admit my brain has literally HURT going to bed after my shifts, but my curiosity doesn't seem to want to stop. I wish the brain had the compacity to learn EVERYTHING all at once and retain in. But since that is not possible for me, I am learning a bit at a time. I am one of the detail people, and I seem to retain the details in this job more and hope all the puzzle pieces match up into the big picture soon. Knowing I will be learning and hands on learning is something I actually look forward to, and I haven't complained once about being there till midnight :)

     Just knowing I am going and developing myself in a field of law, being able to help those in the community and doing something this important is awesome to me. My curiosity hasn't been this spiked in YEARS, feels like my brain is a whole new world :) I hope that the next few weeks go good and that I continue to retain all this information...daunting my good thus far! Learning this job? I never thought I would get an opportunity like this! It's a good feeling!

   

It's 2013?!

     Well first of all, Happy 2013! I am about 20 days late on writing my post I intended to write for the new year. SO my bad! :) A lot has gone on since I last wrote in the beginning of November. Job status, my first ticket, new apartment, bringing feelings back to life for a crush I had on yet another friend, getting in touch with a few people I never thought I would be real close with..yeah, a good/rough start to 2013!

     I still can't believe how fast 2012 went by, it's amazing to look back to everything that happened, and put together EVERYTHING that went on within ONE year..it's riDONKulous lol. Even though there is quite a bit that occured I am not totally proud of, I left 2012 in my past with a clear conscience. I believe that is the right way to end a year, accepting everything, learning from it all, and moving forward.

     I still don't get all the hype that comes with the start of a new year. People make ridiculous New Year Resolutions, stick to em for a day to two weeks or so, and then go back to their usual routine. Not saying some really stick with their goals, but we all know how we are. Besides the fact that people mainly make their resolutions on physical aspects of themselves, weight loss being a popular pick.

     I think as the year comes to a close, we should reflect on everything good, bad and ugly that happened that year. I know it's cliche, but MAKE A LIST! If you truly ponder on the happenings within your year, you will get a total and more accurate overview. Write down things you weren't proud of. Write down things you succeeded at, goals you achieved, things left undone. Then make a list of goals you want to accomplish. Sure, make resolutions to better your physical appearance, just make sure it's an attainable goal. But don't make all your resolutions about outside appearance. You can't be pretty on the outside if you're not on the inside, that's where beauty really bestows itself! Just saying...