Sunday, February 24, 2013

A Roller Coaster of a Month

     A LOT has happened since the last time I have posted. Saying it has been slightly overwhelming is an understatement. These last two weeks have defintley been perfectly described by the phrase "when it rains, it pours." I think we all have to have mentally, physically and emotionally drained at many times in our life to appreciate what is going good and what we have to grasp onto that never leaves. In this last month I know on a better level of who cares about me and who I can honestly trust with anything. 

     To wrap up my random last post, me and the girl I liked more than any crush I have ever had in my life, talked things out, and it led to me being hurt, yet again. But on a different level. For she decided to cut whatever you wanna call what we had off, because she couldn't live with any more guilt of hurting another person in her life with her relationship games, as I like to call them. I am grateful she spared me. Yet, I am still hurt in the fact she has fallen for another, a person who I know I am better than. It is hard to see someone fall for another when you know, or at least like to think, deserve better. I know I could have been a better girlfriend than the girl she is after, but moving on is my only choice, so we can at least still be good friends. I will never forget that solid feeling I had of KNOWING what I wanted. And I will also not forget the replayed over and over feeling of never getting what one really wants deep down. 

     Health is something that all of us healthy people take for granted, but when it is all of a sudden out of nowhere jeopardized, that is when one is wary. My health, mental and physical has gone down this month, maybe from stress, but I have yet to get a straight answer. Doctors are overrated lol. In a short note I hope things start to get back to normal again for me in that part of my life :) 

     We buried my grandpa, "Grampy" yesterday. I hate funerals. I guess I don't think anyone really likes funerals, but I always take them harder than I think I am naturally supposed to. Even after he had been sick for almost three years, it still hasn't quite hit me that he is gone and watching over us. Hearing the knots int he voices of those in my family that usually cause the most laughter was the most difficult, literally seeing the hurt and missing of their father. It was lovely and to the point, which is how my grandpa would have wanted it. I am just happy he can sing, dance and thrive without being in pain and without all the suffering in his disabled body. At every funeral I think, "what would it be like to look down upon your own funeral? Who would be there? Who would speak? Who would cry? Where do I go from there? Is everything they say about heaven and hell true?" I hope it will be a long time before I have to find that out, and before I get to hug my grandfather above the clouds. He will be waiting, and that is what puts a smile on my face :) 

     I hope things continue to get back to normal, and that my mind settles down mentally more and more by day. This was a rambling post, I apologize. lol. Hopefully next February won't be so harsh! Made me stronger, and I thank everyone and everything for that thus far. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Bad Butterflies

     It's funny, that the things in life that affect us the most are the things we cannot physically touch. Feelings take over us, in ways that are unexplained. When we get feelings for a certain someone, you feel on top of the world. You tend to see everything around you differently, like never before.

     There are a lot of feelings that are HARD to explain for many of us, but if we find the way to open up to one another that is when we get to know one another as human beings even better. Feelings, being complex as they are, are very relatable to us humans, for we experience much of the same things. Feeling connected to another in a unique way is a good feeling, and you don't just want to let that go...

    But what happens when you wait to long, are too nervous, hold back, and never really get a chance to say how you feel? What happens when you get the courage to tell that one person everything you have felt for them for so long, and the day you are gonna spill your guts you find out that they are talking to someone else? Uhm...yeah, in this situation right now. I am nervous as hell, and not so good butterflies are eating me alive as I write this. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I just honestly DON'T KNOW...I am writing to help calm my nerves but it is not helping much. I don't know what is going to come out of this conversation. I am expecting the worst. I am expecting to be rejected. It's what I always expect. Don't get me wrong, there is still a small shining light in there somewhere, saying BE HOPEFUL! But at this point in time with everything in my life it is honestly not very bright. It is dim, and ready to go out. This will be one day that I write two posts in one day....will let you know how this talk went! Trying to be hopeful but don't wanna be too hopeful...