It is 1 AM and here I am, tired but wanting to just write some random ass things out. A LOT has happened within the last month, good and bad. Death, mending recently broken friendships, accepting, being accepted, heart to hearts I thought I would never have, getting to know people on even deeper levels, getting to know the ones I love even more than I ever have, trying to make right decisions for myself.
I FINALLY told my mom about me and my sexuality. No one understands that after more than a decade of curiosity and trying to accept myself just HOW much courage it took to finally tell her. I wish it would've been in person instead of over the phone, but then again I wouldn't change our convo :) It was honestly the closest convo I have ever had with my mother, which our relationship isn't THAT close to begin with. I know she is there for me, but to tell her something so personal was like lifting a huge boulder that had been gaining weight for years off my shoulders. Have I told her everything? Pfft no. Probably never will. By far those were the worst butterflies I have ever had. Will never quite forget that feeling...
This month I finally got over the biggest crush I have ever had on another individual, and I am on a great track to fixing the friendships that were shaken over the whole ordeal. My best friend and I's relationship is beginning to become stronger than ever, and I am happy that she is in a relationship with a girl that I hope will treat her that way she deserves :) It's a great feeling, knowing the drama can be uplifted. She has no idea how happy I am for her, and I know she is still wary of what to tell me. I will let her figure it out on her own that I am happily over everything ;) It's all a work in progress, and I am starting to accept that everything in life is...
A hard subject, death. Notice how depressing and death both start with D? Yeah... :( In the last couple months I've had three friends pass away. Two fairly close ones. How have I coped? I haven't totally to be very honest. I haven't had time, that is totally my excuse! And it's the truth. I mean, your teenage/early twenties are supposed to be kinda insane, but jeesh! o_O I just try to live each day knowing they are up in Heaven somewhere watching all of the ones they loved and cared about. I wish I could've done more to help the one who took his life too soon. And accidents happen for a reason, even at inconvenient times. I am not a very religious person by any means, but I believe God had a special purpose for Zayden, and his mission was over on Earth. Corey? I wish you could've seen the path that you had laid out for you. A musical talent unlike any other, and an attitude worth envying over. You let people's opinions get a hold of you, and I am sorry you passed that way. I <3 you both, you will be forever in my heart. (And this sounds sappy Corey, but in your memory I am going to try to play a part in TWLOHA. That's the very least you deserve for your kind hearted spirit we all had the greatness of sharing while you were with us) I will keep all the good memories in my head to remember, as I try to filter out the bad.
My grandfather has been ill as well, but I got to see another side of death, an outside look on family mourning. It's hard seeing this side, as you see an entire family, my best friends family, who I've grown to love, united by this one person in pain mourning. That hospital visit was one of the hardest, seeing her little sisters, seeing her mom and step dad, sad as I have ever seen them. Their grandpa just passed this last week. Granted I didn't know him well, but he was there every time I came with her to visit their family. I could see and I know he had a grand affect on his grandchildren. He was one of the most kind spirited people I have ever met, a very gentle man. I wish him the best in Heaven, where he will no longer be in pain and can watch over everyone at once :)
A work in progress is myself. I am starting to work on a better side of me, a positive, more verbal, side of me that has always been there but needs loving and tender care. Am I afraid? Yes, to get hurt. But I am going to try to bury the past, to only use it as an example, and not let it affect the opportunities I might have in my future.
I am scared for 6 months from now, when the trees go back to full bloom and summer time is once upon us. School and college life have taken up the last 16 years of my life, and yet I STILL do not know what I want to do with my life. I am lost in this, and honestly it's depressing. I hope opportunities that rise will lead me in the right direction, one can only hope right? I just hope I can stay in contact with all the amazing people I have met and who have affected my life in such ways that they will never know.
By next week something else major in my life could happen, am I prepared? Probably not. Even though the last year has been pretty crazy, I wouldn't wanna take any of it back, even the really bad parts. A wise friend recently told me, "you have to have bad to respect the good that comes in. You have to deal with the darkness to create, see and live the light." Now THATS advice that I am gonna try to use in my everyday life. Some days will be better than others, but it's what you make of every situation that matters. You never know when things could change, so I have been trying not to plan so far ahead ;) Thanks October! November, don't be so harsh on me, thanks :) But then again, deeply and truly, thank you.
I am a girl with a broken heart, a stabbed back and a few mental problems, I am kinda crazy ;) No, but really, it has taken me years to mend some of the slashes my heart has endured over my short 20 years. The walls that have been put up because of the slashes to my heart are still strong, and I am grateful to have met a handful of people who have managed to knock some of the bricks down from this heavily built wall. I don't open up to people easily, I don't trust easily, I don't love easily, I don't feel easily because I am afraid of the hurt that comes along with those things, I almost tend to view it as unneeded baggage. Funny thing is it hasn't made me any less caring or compassionate to those that I care about and that are close to me. I tend to care way too much and this is where I usually tend to get hurt. Cause I have found with a lot of caring and giving to others comes disappointment, disappointment due to not getting barely giving back. Disappointment in the fact that people always take things for granted.
It seems to be a consistent pattern. Every time I get feelings for people I am either hurt, played or let down in some form or another. In my book? People are overrated, at least that's how it seems in this stage of my life. Sounds harsh? Yes, I know it does. Especially since I am a human being who makes mistakes just like everyone else. Feelings are overrated this day in age. Over half of the relationships started never turn out. There comes a time in each of our lives though that I believe we get sick of everyone around us. And it comes a point when it's too much to handle. Maybe it's not just a one-time stage, cause this has happened a lot to me in my lifetime. I have been verbally, physically and emotionally abused throughout many times in my life. I believe it is all about ATTITUDE. You can have the attitude to take situations positively or negatively. You can make the best out of the situations life throws at you, or you can dig yourself a hole and never come out.
We all have bad days, you just have to remember it's a bad day and not the rest of your life. I sometimes have a hard time thinking in a positive light, it's a fault of mine. It just sucks when you get yourself to that positive outlook and then BAM something else happens, something else goes wrong and ruins it. I've learned life goes on, and all you can really do is pick yourself up off the ground and dust yourself off and continue on the path where your headed.
Why a question mark for the title of this post? Because that's exactly what this post is to me in my life, a big fat question. I have known from the very young age of seven I didn't quite think like everyone else sexuality wise.
Will be honest, I don't know exactly who I am when it comes to this subject, and it's a difficult one for me to talk about. I try not to think about it
much, due to the fact there are so many in my life against it. One
day though, there will be a time that I know I will have to break outta this
shell and tell more people. There are only a couple people in my life that
truly know about this part of my life. There is only one person that truly
knows EVERYTHING though, and that is me. I haven't found it within myself
to tell someone all the things that have brought me to this point in my
life with my sexuality. I hope one day to be brave enough to do so.
Being involved in a couple iffy relationships with girls has put the gay lifestyle into a slight perspective for me. Some aspects were a lot easier than when I was in relationships with guys, on the other hand being in that kind of relationship it seems to be made up of a lot of secrets and drama, and that just didn't make it very enjoyable in the long run, and actually caused many problems. Including mental and emotional problems I still haven't gotten quite over. One piece of advice for all the girls that think or know they are gay, NEVER get feelings for your friends or get involved with close friends in "that" way, relationship wise. It doesn't end well. Now I'm not saying that you will never get crushes on certain friends, but never get too attached to that feeling, cut it off before you hurt yourself over it.
Through the past relationships and feelings I have developed for people of the same sex, I have learned many things about myself, as well as how to handle certain situations better. Do I still have strings attaching me to some of the feeling I had for these girls? Won't deny it, I think I will always have slight feelings for them in the back of my mind, I think everyone does for each and every person they have liked or loved. There will always be that connection there.
My most recent connection with a girl was with a friend I've had since my freshman year of college. We lost contact last year, but this year we started talking again. What's weird is that I had never had feelings for her whatsoever before, and it hit me all of a sudden after we had started talking again for awhile. Felt a sense of comfort, like someone actually cared and understood me. And even though we hadn't talked in literally months, it was no time at all that we were caught up and getting to know one another even better. The crush eventually turned into feelings, and I liked her more and more, and I thought she liked me too, even though I didn't want to believe it. WHO WOULD LIKE THIS? No one, that's always what I told myself. I have always told myself that, every time I look in the mirror. Somehow though, she made me feel pretty, inside and out. She made me feel like a more beautiful person. And I don't think she has ever realized that she affected me in this way. It finally hit me that it was too good to be true when I told her about the feelings I had for her, and she told me she only liked me as a friend, even though she has led me on quite a bit. Again, the feelings of feeling good about myself, feeling beautiful, went away. I am still in the process of getting rid of feelings for her, because I want our friendship to remain after I have fought so hard for it back. Is it hard? DUH. Is it do-able to make em' go away? I hope so. But I have learned from this situation even more so than any of the others, and I am not going to take it for granted. We have started talking again after all the drama that's way too long to explain, and I hope things start to mend between us. :)
I find the way that people perceive gays, lesbians and bisexuals is wrong. I have heard numerous, some very outrageous things about how people look at the gay community. Some think we are all out to go against the "natural" and "right" ways of God, that we are not human but alien in the fact that it's totally "not normal" for girls to like girls and guys to like guys. Who CARES? Seriously. A man and woman can be happy with one another and can get a marriage license easily if they want to do so. For gays? Only a small number of states allow gay marriage. (And what I find completely ironic and kinda funny? The majority of the marriages that last the longest are within the gay community.) We are all human and want to feel wanted and loved. When we find that one person who lifts us up, makes us smile, makes us want to live life even more so, why not? Because many of us are close-minded. Because some believe and live by the "ways of the Lord", which people believe in turn is the only right way. It's very sad, that not more of us as human beings can be accepting of the happiness people are feeling around us. That we live by these "rules" laid down by the majority of the population.
Now, I'm not saying God's ways are wrong, but I personally do not believe in Him when it comes to sexuality. I believe that if He created us all, that he is accepting of every being on Earth that he created. That He is proud of His children, no matter who they are. Are stupid laws against being married to the person you want to live the rest of your life with going to stop the gay population? No. The thing most don't get is that by human nature, we are determined. We are strong-willed. When we put our mind to something and really work hard we CAN achieve it.
I hope to live to see the day when all 50 of the United States will allow gay marriage for all the happy couples out there. You shouldn't have to fight so hard for love and happiness. Then again, you don't need a piece of paper telling you that you love another being. I just wish the people of the U.S. and the citizens of the world that are against the concept of being gay would open their eyes a little, and put themselves in the shoes of the gay population. I think if each and every one of us are a little more accepting of one another, no matter our sexual orientation, we could all live in a happier, less judgmental place.
Back in the tail end of my seventh grade year I was walking down the hall to my locker when I saw a girl, hands and knees on the hall floor, was picking up papers, books, clothes, and other miscellaneous things that she had dropped. Attending a small town school you usually know everyone by name, but this girl was a new face, for I did not recognize her. I knelt down and helped the name-less girl pick up her scattered belongings. Since we were both going the same way I helped her carry her load to class, which was the same as mine. I realized then that she was the new girl that always sat towards the back of the classroom, acting invisible to the world. I saw her stuff on the desk beside mine and said, "You can sit by me today", with a smile. The time we had before class I learned that her name was Abby, that she liked four-wheelers, the color blue and that she had a Labrador puppy named Elliot and that her family had just moved her from Colorado, cause her dad found another job after being laid off at his current place of employment. After school I was invited over to her house for some homemade cookies, pop and a bit of television watching. The afternoon passed with a few laughs and small talk as we got to learn more about one another on a personal level.
We continued to hang out with one another after school and occasionally on the weekends. We always ended up sitting next to one another in the cafeteria for lunch. The years went by, we graduated eighth grade and then we were freshies in the 'big' world of High School. We kind of separated over these long yet short four years, making brief contact every once in a while. Finally, three weeks before our high school graduation I got a note in my locker from Abby asking if we could talk. A random act. Was worried that I had done something wrong.
Abby reminded me of the day we had first met. "Did you ever wonder why I was carrying all those things home that day?" she asked. "You see, I cleaned out my locker because I didn't want to leave a mess for anyone else. I had stored away some of my mother's sleeping pills and I was going to go home and commit suicide. But after we spent some time together talking and laughing, I realized if I had killed myself, I would have missed that time and so many others that might follow. So see Ruby, when you picked up those books that day, you did a lot more. You saved my life."
(This event in my life still sticks with me to this day, and I will never forget it. I felt like I had played a major role in my life at a very young age. So as you can see, a simple gesture can go just as far as to save another's life.)
Do we genuinely know the true nature of those we spend our lives with? Whether we are in school, the workplace or in the every day world, we are destined to meet individuals who help teach us daily life lessons. Being only seventeen, I obviously have not had the chance to encounter all the life lessons that will come my way. I have experienced a few crucial lessons with the people I spend a great deal of time with almost everyday. With, that being said, I have come to place people into three categories: genuine/straight forward, dishonest/two-faced, and absolute people-pleasers.
It is difficult in this day and age to actually be blessed with genuine, straight forward friends, and it is the journey you take together, that confirms and binds the heart.
Friendship has assorted definitions to everyone and how devoted friends are to one another. Friends don't always tell you what you want to hear, but because they are genuine and care about your well being, they interject their views and chance losing friendships. They stand with you through the good and bad times, through sickness and health and always keep the integrity of the relationship strong. They are the individuals in your life that you should know, don't ask, if you really don't want the truth, yet they are always on your side and no matter what, they stand with you. More than not, these people are ones you can call your family and love you above all else and you hope this family will grow with time and commitment.
What is sad about today's world is the abundance of people who can pull off the "fake face" without hesitation or a thought of another's feelings. Those who fall into this category most likely come to you when they need something, or are your "fair weather friends" for a while until they get what they want. They are nice to your face, but behind your back they gossip badly about you, undermine you and don't care at all, and tend to be users, manipulators and rarely demonstrate having a conscience. It seems to be a contest, to always be ahead of everyone else, to be better than the next person, to always be right. They have to have the most expensive or a fashionable material thing, which overshadows what I know to be real people, living the life we are all intended to live.
The most exasperating sort, in my opinion, is the people-pleaser. It is safe to say, you can't make everyone happy all the time, no matter how hard you try. Yet regardless of the situation or subject matter, the fake smile appears and the answer is always sure. Sacrificing themselves to make certain that everyone, even a complete stranger, thinks they are perfect, kind, and inclined to do their biding. Unable to say "No", or living with the constant fear of displeasing someone else, when they sacrifice the very people who are closest to them to please others who are insignificant in their lives. Saying "No', doesn't mean you don't care, or don't love, it just means "No".
One of the truest quotes I have come upon is this one by Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," and how spot on she is. I have experienced a variety of people in my short life. I consider all people to be more than what they are like on the outside. I am not one to judge a book by its cover, even though we all label the people who share our world, including ourselves. But in spite of what others may think of you, you know yourself better than any one person on this planet, and self-honesty is usually the best policy. We all must learn that when we label others from the outside, it makes us seek the knowledge of ourselves from the inside.
Do we ever really take a chance out of our hectic days to think about or peer into the lives of others who surround us daily? Really think about this question, and you may be surprised of the answer you will find, which in many peoples cases is a big NO.
In todays society, so many of us are so engrossed with our own lives that we dont even pay attention to the world around us, the world WE ARE ALL LIVING IN. If it wasnt for the world, really think.....WHERE would you be right now as you are reading this......
The world today almost seems to be overrated in many ways that i cant even out into words, if you want to call it "overrated" anyways. Look at the way the media has changed our perspectives for instance...many of us dont give it a second thought, we just go along with it like robots in a daze, because thats what the majority of society "accepts". We live by other peoples expectations and dont take time to really look into ourselves. We categorize people everyday, without even taking 1 minute to talk to them or get to know them, just from their appearances. Whether we want ot admit it or not, we ALL do it at sometime or another: I will admit I have, and I dont like the person I am when I judge someone by just their outside appearance.
So what about the trust factor you ask? Would you go up to a total stranger and help them out if it looked as if they needed it? Maybe. But many of us dont think twice about helping another, as long as we are happy at that moment, thats all that seems to matter to most of us. I will admit, if i saw a person on the side of the highway needing help, unless I knew them, I may stop and ask, but they would not be coming with me, just an example. Indeed, it is very difficult to trust a strangers in this day and age, and there may be times you put yourself at risk.
But the # 1 thing i notice the most when Im in a public place, very, very few actually give a simple smile or gesture to total strangers, walking up and down the aisles of Wal-Mart for instance. You have to do nothing but use a few muscles in your face to make a total stranger's day BETTER. Yes, to many it may not be really anything to them, but to the 1000's of others you bestow one on, it may somehow make a difference to someone you may never see again in your entire lifetime. Granted, you may not feel too much from doing something ever so simple, but because of you and that smile, you have started a chain reaction. It goes the same for helping someone out you may not know as well.
Throughout my entire life I have been around both people who think they are better than everyone else, to those who partially think like I do about the world. Being a freshman here at Colby College and pretty much "starting" over and having to meet many new people and get to know them has been a challenge for me at times, because i do tend to hold back myself, and keep myself hidden from others who dont know me. There have been many in my life that i have trusted with my heart and got it thrashed in the end, so yes, trusting takes time, Im sure there are 100's if not millions who could say that. But getting chances to meet more people has started to help me, and I have found quite a few here who do care about others, and that most of us are going through the same things. They are considerate and take the time to help out, and I wish there would be more people like these, because you find them few and far between.
So take the challenge: Dare to be yourself, and start a chain reaction. You have absolutley nothing to lose, and who knows, you could maybe even change someone else's perspective on life along the way. :)
(Found this on my computer and thought I would post this!)
When you peer into the lives of others, what do you see? Do you ever wonder what others might see in you? We all assess others, including ourselves. What we do not realize is that each and every one of us can make a difference in somebody’s life, one measure at a time. Whether it be welcoming a new student at school, or assisting a stranger on the street, we have an impact on those lives we touch in a positive way. If we take a moment out of our day to bestow the gift of a simple smile, say hello or lend a hand during a difficult time, you would be surprised at the power of these gestures. You may not realize that every genuine act of kindness you extend to others has an impact on everyone around you. That is what’s great about a chain reaction- once you give an act of kindness another will feel inspired to pay it forward.
We may think of heroes as people who save the day from total disaster, but this is definitley not the case. Everyday heroes, in my opinion, are those that try to help others when the opportunity presents itself. Even more so, they usually don’t wait for an occasion, but make one of their own. They are those whom we look up to, who we can count on or who inspire all they come in contact with to reach deeper within themselves to become more compassionate people. We all have the capacity to be a hero. I believe our world would be a much more gracious place to dwell if being compassionate wasn’t a choice, but a natural reaction. Being the better person in a majority of judgmental, uncaring people would indeed be quite a task, but one that you should be proud to act upon. Don’t let others judge you negatively on the acts of goodwill you give to others, for you are truly the more exceptional person in the eyes of the Lord and the gift of heart rejoices more for the giving.
In my short seventeen years, I have dealt with my share of ostracism, harassment and verbal abuse. I took it very personally, and in those days it seemed like an hour at school was an eternity. There were many times that I felt I was not significant or valued. It did not take me long to appreciate there was a lot more to life than being belittled. My eighth grade year, in junior high was a turning point for me. I attended a school Bully Seminar and became so engaged by the speaker’s words I completely forgot all the other people in the auditorium. I felt heard and understood. When the speaker asked the audience to stand and proclaim, “I want to be a “Tim”, a leader for change”, I stood. I was the only student to rise in the entire student body. My breath caught in my throat, when I voiced, “I want to be a Tim.”
I became my own hero that day. I stood up for myself in a crowded auditorium, not realizing how many others felt the same turmoil and sadness. In the days that followed, those who had rarely spoken to me before greeted me with smiles in the hallways. Teachers even behaved differently towards me and they actually became more observant and caring. Once I looked at the world in a more positive light, I helped others who were going through the same things I experienced and let negative comments slip by me. Many of those people who affected me in the same way I affected them are now some of my closest friends. It was the beginning of the journey to becoming my authentic self. I know I still have much to learn and gain and that the ultimate satisfaction of everyday life begins by being a better person. The giving of myself to assist my community, my country and my world is how life is meant to be. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.
Each day brings a new beginning. Take that extra step to lend a helping hand: strangers today can be the friends of tomorrow. Don’t fall into the majority, and stand up for others and what you know is right. Take the time to smile at everyone who passes you by, even if they don’t welcome you with a smile back, because a smile is effortless and it doesn’t cost a thing. Be someone’s everyday hero by inspiring them to be kind to those they share their lives with, and this will indeed lead us to a brighter tomorrow.