One of the things that I have been pondering about lately is how do we become SO dependent on others for happiness in our lives? I will tell you I categorize myself as a highly independent individual. People? Unreliable 85% of the time. So I believe that being dependent on others is a waste of my time. But then again, I sometimes think back to the movie I Am Legend, where one man and his dog are by themselves, trying to survive in a world with literally no one, just the objects, buildings, roads, and other man made things that we left behind. Thinking about how he felt, having no family, friends and other people even around would be a harsh world. Having no one to bounce ideas, feelings and thoughts off of is a deep, incredibly frightening thought. So does this make ME dependent on people as well? Yes, I suppose it does. Even complete strangers help you daily to get you through simple tasks, such as filling out your taxes, checking out your groceries, helping you with random questions that might come up. One person can't have the knowledge of the entire world. It is not possible.
But how does one feel when the strangers they have grown to know and love shatter your trust into a million pieces? What happens when you begin not to trust any other person, even family members? You know they mean the best, but sometimes you wonder if they are hiding stuff as well. All you learn to trust is yourself, and when that starts to become iffy? What do you do? You begin to wonder if you are the person you really want to be, if you are where you're supposed to be, if you're on the right path whatsoever. You begin to question literally EVERYTHING about yourself. That is where I am now. After the last few months, I am trying and actually succeeding at keeping all those questionable thoughts to the back of my mind. But when they come to haunt me? It hurts. Feel like it's a curse, but I am dealing with each question one day at a time. And one of the #1 sayings you hear, some questions can't be answered.
Another thing that is ANNOYING that I am also learning more each day to manage is the fact that people can be so hypocritical. Us humans I have come to the conclusion like to complain about the dumbest stuff. I am guilty of it to. I feel like we always want people to feel sorry for us, so we can't live the whole day without something bothering us. It gives us something to talk about, when someone pisses us off or does something wrong. If I went an entire week without hearing it from someone, that would be the week to write up in the book of records. We work in mysterious ways, we are genuinely complicated beings. We can be hella confusing as well. Which makes you trust even yourself a little bit less.
Anyways, enough with my slight venting session. Just felt the need to write :)
First answer, "The world may never know.." ;) Classic. But really though, sitting here at work, grateful that sitting in this chair I am separated from the rest if the world by brick walls and glass, I am eating a tootsie pop, and realized that it would be a perfect metaphor to how the drama in my life has been playing out. The center in this post represents my last and final straw. Now, think of the hard candy part of a sucker. Tough, hard to chew, takes a while to crack, right? Well, I view the candy coating as the hard shell I try to hold for everyone, including myself. I don't like to see or view this coating as "crackable". For it is the part people, being the tootsie pop, want to enjoy the most. Maybe except for those controversary chocolate lovers, who crunch their way through the coating. That aspect put aside, there is a time that the coating cracks after so many "licks". In this metaphor licks are slaps to the face by reality, shit that happens, etc. So life in general lol.
The biggest blows to this outer shell is when trust is broken. When one crack appears it is there forever. You can't go back and totally cover it up. You can let it mend, but the scar is still there. And in time that person who broke your trust may one day be forgiven. But I don't think one can ever look into the eyes of the once untrusting and totally believe. But that is when love steps in. We are human. We all make mistakes. And in those mistakes lies are mixed in. And sometimes lies are necessary to live peacefully among those, which is impossible, but we try to view as nothing is impossible, right?
The more the tootsie pop is consumed by life, the smaller it gets. I believe this represents being torn down, and letting things get to you. The "breaking point" is when there is no candy left, but the soft, delicious gooiness of the chocolate center. I picture this being the best part of a person. The heart. The sweet section that I like to think is in us all, if you will. But being soft, that part is venerable. Without some kind of coating, it will break down to nothing but the candy stick that holds everything together. I view the stick the mere "essence" we need to keep going.
Once we start to get the situations that broke our coating down figured out, once we learn from them a bit, I view as the stick and the middle to go back to a factory setting, for the coating to be recreated. This is a rebuild period, and in a real life perspective, this takes time. Months, even years. It more than likely will never be as strong as the once naïve, trusting you once had. The remnants of those cracks will be the weaknesses in the new shell. But once you start to rebuild you start to feel better.
That is the stage I am in right now. I am rebuilding. I am revising. Trying to make this new shell stronger in the places where it was weak. I hope my metaphor didn't bore you, but being in a creative mood decided to give the tootsie pop idea a go :) I hope everyone never has to know what blows to the weak, venerable center has to feel like. It is painful. And it makes the motivation of rebuilding the shell of protection harder as well. If you are in the center stage, don't procrastinate. Review what broke you down. Start learning and making your new shell. We only have so long to live!