Sunday, September 16, 2012


     Why a question mark for the title of this post? Because that's exactly what this post is to me in my life, a big fat question. I have known from the very young age of seven I didn't quite think like everyone else sexuality wise. 

     Will be honest, I don't know exactly who I am when it comes to this subject, and it's a difficult one for me to talk about. I try not to think about it much, due to the fact there are so many in my life against it. One day though, there will be a time that I know I will have to break outta this shell and tell more people. There are only a couple people in my life that truly know about this part of my life. There is only one person that truly knows EVERYTHING though, and that is me. I haven't found it within myself  to tell someone all the things that have brought me to this point in my life with my sexuality. I hope one day to be brave enough to do so.

     Being involved in a couple iffy relationships with girls has put the gay lifestyle into a slight perspective for me. Some aspects were a lot easier than when I was in relationships with guys, on the other hand being in that kind of relationship it seems to be made up of a lot of secrets and drama, and that just didn't make it very enjoyable in the long run, and actually caused many problems. Including mental and emotional problems I still haven't gotten quite over. One piece of advice for all the girls that think or know they are gay, NEVER get feelings for your friends or get involved with close friends in "that" way, relationship wise. It doesn't end well. Now I'm not saying that you will never get crushes on certain friends, but never get too attached to that feeling, cut it off before you hurt yourself over it. 

     Through the past relationships and feelings I have developed for people of the same sex, I have learned many things about myself, as well as how to handle certain situations better. Do I still have strings attaching me to some of the feeling I had for these girls? Won't deny it, I think I will always have slight feelings for them in the back of my mind, I think everyone does for each and every person they have liked or loved. There will always be that connection there. 

     My most recent connection with a girl was with a friend I've had since my freshman year of college. We lost contact last year, but this year we started talking again. What's weird is that I had never had feelings for her whatsoever before, and it hit me all of a sudden after we had started talking again for awhile. Felt a sense of comfort, like someone actually cared and understood me. And even though we hadn't talked in literally months, it was no time at all that we were caught up and getting to know one another even better. The crush eventually turned into feelings, and I liked her more and more, and I thought she liked me too, even though I didn't want to believe it. WHO WOULD LIKE THIS? No one, that's always what I told myself. I have always told myself that, every time I look in the mirror. Somehow though, she made me feel pretty, inside and out. She made me feel like a more beautiful person. And I don't think she has ever realized that she affected me in this way. It finally hit me that it was too good to be true when I told her about the feelings I had for her, and she told me she only liked me as a friend, even though she has led me on quite a bit. Again, the feelings of feeling good about myself, feeling beautiful, went away. I am still in the process of getting rid of feelings for her, because I want our friendship to remain after I have fought so hard for it back. Is it hard? DUH. Is it do-able to make em' go away? I hope so. But I have learned from this situation even more so than any of the others, and I am not going to take it for granted. We have started talking again after all the drama that's way too long to explain, and I hope things start to mend between us. :) 

     I find the way that people perceive gays, lesbians and bisexuals is wrong. I have heard numerous, some very outrageous things about how people look at the gay community. Some think we are all out to go against the "natural" and "right" ways of God, that we are not human but alien in the fact that it's totally "not normal" for girls to like girls and guys to like guys. Who CARES? Seriously. A man and woman can be happy with one another and can get a marriage license easily if they want to do so. For gays? Only a small number of states allow gay marriage. (And what I find completely ironic and kinda funny? The majority of the marriages that last the longest are within the gay community.) We are all human and want to feel wanted and loved. When we find that one person who lifts us up, makes us smile, makes us want to live life even more so, why not? Because many of us are close-minded. Because some believe and live by the "ways of the Lord", which people believe in turn is the only right way. It's very sad, that not more of us as human beings can be accepting of the happiness people are feeling around us. That we live by these "rules" laid down by the majority of the population. 

     Now, I'm not saying God's ways are wrong, but I personally do not believe in Him when it comes to sexuality. I believe that if He created us all, that he is accepting of every being on Earth that he created. That He is proud of His children, no matter who they are. Are stupid laws against being married to the person you want to live the rest of your life with going to stop the gay population? No. The thing most don't get is that by human nature, we are determined. We are strong-willed. When we put our mind to something and really work hard we CAN achieve it. 

     I hope to live to see the day when all 50 of the United States will allow gay marriage for all the happy couples out there. You shouldn't have to fight so hard for love and happiness. Then again, you don't need a piece of paper telling you that you love another being. I just wish the people of the U.S. and the citizens of the world that are against the concept of being gay would open their eyes a little, and put themselves in the shoes of the gay population. I think if each and every one of us are a little more accepting of one another, no matter our sexual orientation, we could all live in a happier, less judgmental place.  

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